My Cellulite Problem — And Ours

Like Jennifer Love Hewitt, I’ve sat in silence long enough. Jennifer was prompted to speak out this week on her blog when supposedly unflattering pictures of her showed up on the internet. You can see the pictures in question here. And here. And also here. Oh, and here too (in hi-rez).

Now it’s no secret that the Happy Valley Kamper likes his ladies like he likes his peanut butter: chunky. So let me first say, Jennifer, don’t you spend one more precious minute worrying about the size of those glorious mudflaps. I believe Spinal Tap said it most eloquently when they offered the view that “the bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin” and “the looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand.”

But I can relate to your frustration and anger, Jennifer, truly I can. Your statements this week have given the Kamper the “kourage” to finally speak up about my own body issues. You see, it’s no secret that the old Kamper has packed on a few extra pounds over the years. It’s been caused by a variety of factors, I suppose: having kids, having a desk job, having access to peanut clusters, etc. And just like you, Jennifer, some unflattering bikini pictures of the Kamper were published a while ago on several unscrupulous websites (don’t expect links from me — you bastards know who you are!). As an act of self-emancipation, I have reprinted the images below.

Like you, Jennifer, I speak up now not for myself, but for all the bloggers out there who may be struggling with their body images (and if you’ve spent any time on the internet, you know that’s most of ’em). I speak up now to add my voice to those decrying the pernicious manner in which blogger’s bodies are relentlessly scrutinized, every perceived “flaw” in our soft, doughy forms dissected and analyzed — and heaven forbid if our less-than-perfect blogger bodies fail to meet the rigid standards society seeks to impose on us! Finally, I speak up now to call out publicly those supposed internet wits and wags who would seek to attack us bloggers in the most base and disrespectful manner — in particular one commenter going by the name of skippingjay352, who had the temerity to call my black bikini bottoms in the above photos “whale canvas” and “jumbo butt floss” and “supersized stink string.” Well, Mr. Skippingjay352, you can have back your shame and your unrealistic body images; the Kamper doesn’t need them anymore.

Jennifer and I are moving on.