Monthly Archives: April 2007

Definition of Workout Expanded to Include Walk to Gas Station

In a last-ditch attempt to stick to his strict three-times-per-week workout schedule, South Amherst resident Ryan Hanson recently expanded his definition of workout to include a walk to the gas station to buy the newspaper. “It’s a half-mile there, half-mile … Continue reading

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Amherst Middle School Gender Sensitivity Program to Require Girls Pee Standing Up

Adiminstrators at Amherst Middle School have adopted a new Gender Sensitivity Program that will require girls pee standing up. According to Gertrude Halstead, the Hadley-based clinical psychologist who designed the program, the goal of the project is to raise gender … Continue reading

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Amherst College Announces Recall of 2006 Graduating Class

In a surprise development, Amherst College today announced that it was recalling its entire 2006 graduating class. According to an Amherst College spokesperson, a clerical error in the Provost office back in 2002 inadvertently replaced the school’s undergraduate curriculum with … Continue reading

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UMASS Establishes Chair in Xtreme Mathematics

The University of Massachusetts has become the first school in the country to establish an endowed chair in Xtreme Mathematics. According to Elizabeth Winthrop-Jones, Director of Development for the university, the new faculty position was made possible by a $1 … Continue reading

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Taco Night Confirmed

Early reports that tonight might be Taco Night have been officially confirmed. Taco Night, Taco Night, tonight is gonna be Taco Night. What I say? Taco Night. Hopes for Taco Night were kindled over breakfast when an otherwise routine discussion … Continue reading

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Varmint Hunting Actually Quite Popular in Mass.

Lord knows I’ve had my share of differences with Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, but I’ve got to come to his defense on the subject of varmint hunting. For those of you who may be out of the loop, Mitt is … Continue reading

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In Solidarity with Iran, Amherst Town Meeting Denies Holocaust, Moon Landing

Following up on its November 1, 2006 resolution voicing support for the Islamic Republic of Iran, Amherst Town Meeting today passed a new resolution denying that the Holocaust ever occurred. “It seemed the next logical step,” said Town Meeting spokesperson … Continue reading

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