Professor Brian J. Gilchrist, a professor of Xtreme Mathematics at the University of Massachusetts, held a press conference on Wednesday to announce that he had developed a radical new numerical system based on the pioneering work of soul singer James Brown. Professor Gilchrist predicted that the new system would be used to quantify hitherto uncharted areas of the funk universe.
“It’s a quaternary, or base-4, numbering system,” Professor Gilchrist explained, “except instead of using the digits of 0, 1, 2, and 3, as in a traditional quaternary system, the James Brown system uses the Brown-specific digits of 1, 2, 3, huh!.”
According to Gilchrist, it is the introduction of this new digit, huh!, that makes the system so radical, and so versatile. “Huh! is a wild card, not unlike the Godfather of Soul himself. As such, this funky integer will allow us to accurately calculate the FI, or Funk Index, of any equation.”
“With this system,” he said, “we no longer need to wonder what is the Sound of the Funky Drummer, because we will know precisely. And now when James asks, ‘Can I take it to the bridge?,’ we can correctly answer, ‘Yes, you may. In precisely 3 point huh! seconds.'”
An assistant professor then draped a cape over Professor Gilchrist’s shoulders and attempted to lead him off the podium, but Gilchrist shrugged him off and returned to the microphone.
“You’ve heard of the fuzzy math?” he asked, and the gathered reporters answered, “Yeah!”
“You’ve heard of the fuzzy math?” he asked again, and the reporters answered, “Yeah!”
“You’ve heard of the fuzzy math?” he asked for a third time, and the reporters answered, “Yeah!”
“Well, this here is the funky math! What I say? Funky math, yeah!”
Happy Valley News Hour 