It’s Tupac versus Biggie, Only for Literary Nerds

Last year, Michael Ian Black (he of Stella, The State, and Michael & Michael Have Issues) tried his best to stir up a good ole fashioned literary grudge-match (or maybe it was more of a foofaraw). Seems MIB decided that the best way to flog his new book of humorous essays, My Custom Van, was to set his sights on the undisputed king of the genre, Mr. David Sedaris. He even offered some helpful suggestions: “Say, for example, you are at league bowling night and your buddy finds himself facing an easy pick-up for a spare. Just before he bowls say something like, ‘Don’t miss, Bob, or you might hear David Sedaris telling a long and humorous story about what a boob you are on ‘This American Life.’”

How did that work out? Well, for one brief shining moment during the summer of 2008, MIB’s new book outsold one of David’s more obscure titles (1994’s Barrel Fever) in the Humor Section at Amazon. But inevitably, the stars righted themselves, and as of today My Custom Van ranks at #51 while David Sedaris accounts for no fewer than nine of the top 25 titles.

And, to add to his already considerable pile of awesomeness, David Sedaris just released his new audio book, “Live for Your Listening Pleasure,” on vinyl.

Turkey Day Tips

Funny or Die! has some helpful Thanksgiving Tips from Officers Kranepool and Shortz to help make your day happy, healthy, and murder-free. Learn why you shouldn’t take your driving tips from Christmas carols.

Best of Susie

In honor of the end of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Jezebel has put together a Best of Susie compilation, seven seasons of Susie Green’s obscenity-laced tirades against Larry and Jeff.

The Empress-Queen of Incoherent White American Resentment

Matt Taibbi has published a couple of Palin-inspired posts over the last few days that are nothing short of instant classics.

First, there was Sarah Palin, WWE Star:

Sarah Palin is the Empress-Queen of the screaming-for-screaming’s sake generation. The people who dismiss her book Going Rogue as the petty, vindictive meanderings of a preening paranoiac with the IQ of a celery stalk completely miss the book’s significance, because in some ways it’s really a revolutionary and innovative piece of literature.

Palin — and there’s just no way to deny this — is a supremely gifted politician. She has staked out, as her own personal political turf, the entire landscape of incoherent white American resentment. In this area she leaves even Rush Limbaugh in the dust.

[snip]

Sarah Palin’s battlefield, on the other hand, is whatever is happening five feet in front of her face. She is building a political career around the little interpersonal wars in the immediate airspace surrounding her sawdust-filled head. And in the process she connects with pissed-off, frightened, put-upon America on a plane that’s far more elemental than the mega-ditto schtick.

And then yesterday came a response post, Yes Sarah, There is a Media Conspiracy:

The political media has always taken it upon itself to make decisions about who is and who is not qualified to be taken seriously as candidates for higher office. Without even talking about whether they do this more or less to Republicans or Democrats, I can testify that I witnessed this phenomenon over and over again in the primary battles within the Democratic Party. It has always been true that the press corps has drawn upon internalized professional biases, high-school-style groupthink and the urging of insider wonks to separate candidates into “serious” and “unserious” groups before the shots even start to be fired.

[snip]

Once the signal comes down that this or that politician doesn’t have the backing of anyone who matters, that’s when the knives really come out. When a politician has powerful allies and powerful friends, you won’t see reporters brazenly kicking him in the crotch the way they did to Dean and they’re doing now to Sarah Palin. The only time they do this is when they know there won’t be consequences, meaning when the politician’s only supporters are non-entities (read: voters), as in the case of Ron Paul or Kucinich. Like America in general, the press corps never attacks any enemy that can fight back.

This Is Not a Woman’s Butt on a Wooden Table

Try this experiment. Take off all your clothes (Important Note: if you are at the office or reading this in a public place, WAIT UNTIL YOU ARRIVE HOME to perform this experiment). Are you naked? Good. Go sit on a wooden table. Now look down. Does that mass of flesh-colored pancake that used to be your thighs and ass look anything like the hindquarters of the lovely lass pictured below? I didn’t think so.

The lass in question is former ‘Bond’ girl Eva Green, and the photo, which appeared in the UK magazine Tatler, is a recreation of a 1973 photo of Charlotte Rampling taken by Helmut Newton.

After careful and prolonged study of said photograph, I would propose one of the following three scenarios:
1. Eva Green’s ass is made of titanium
2. Eva Green has discovered some sort of anti-gravity technology, which she is selfishly refusing to share with the rest of us
3. This photograph has been heavily Photoshopped

(The funny part is that, in the original photo, Charlotte Rampling’s butt is as it should be, i.e., flat, which only highlights the digital shenanigans used to unflatten [rounden?] Eva’s posterior in the photo below.)

The Index That Never Was, Now Is

One thing that Sarah Palin’s new book is lacking is an index. Oh, and thoughtful analysis. So two things that Sarah Palin’s book is lacking are — Oh, there’s also honest reflection. So, okay, three things that Sarah Palin’s book — Wait a minute, there’s also decent writing. Four things that Sarah —

Anyway, over at Slate, Christopher Beam has put together his own index to Sarah Palin’s book, and you can find it here.

Here is a representative sample, from E-F:

exclamation point, usage of, 4, 26, 120, 121, 122, 138, 150, 199, 207, 222, 223, 225, 233, 239, 241, 276, 302, 307

evolution
– skeptical views of, 217
– use of word “Neanderthal” despite, 30, 172

“experts,” wrongness of, 254, 289, 336, 375, 392

Facebook
– citation of as example of laudable free-market enterprise, 400
– utility of for calling out haters, 400

Glitter to Litter

During these tough economic times, we’re all seeking that one sure-fire investment. Which is why my portfolio right now is long in whiskers. That’s right, I’m talking cats, felines, kitties, pussies, le chat. Now, I’m not necessarily recommending that you convert your gold into cats, but should you wish to, here’s the site for you: Cats For Gold. But hurry, it’s probably illegal.

[Props=B3ta]

Commonsense Answerthings

Sarah Palin was flogging her book on Rush Limbaugh’s show a few days ago, and, in answering about a dozen questions, she managed to say some combination of “commonsense,” “conservative,” and “solutions” no fewer than 25 times.

Every time she says the word commonsense, a moose gets its wings. Or wait, no, that’s when she shoots it.

A Coupla Jokes

Sorry for the light posting (traveling this week — I do have a job, people), so here are couple of jokes. Warning: the language can get a little blue.

With 12.1 Seconds to Spare

Here is a fun game. Can you guess the Wikipedia article being quoted before your time runs out?

Quizipedia.

Courtesy of Jim Blackler. My record so far is three out of four — it all depends on the luck of the draw.

[Props=B3ta]