Gawker is serializing The Apple Store, a piece of Seinfeld fan fiction written by @Seinfeld2000. It’s the novel that Russell Hoban would have written if he’d been a deranged Seinfeld fan instead of a London-bound magical realist. Now it seems that the evil corporate overlords at Warner Brothers have objected to The Apple Store based on some quaint notion called “copyright infringement,” so strike a blow for freedom and go read this now. It’s hilarious. And if you haven’t read Riddley Walker, go read that too.
Here’s the section where Jerry is reduced to working as a prop comic:
Anyway, Jarys out there on stage in this misereble theater that smell like muted piss, perfarming in front of ugly midwesterner’s who arent even there to see him. But he swalow his pride and push thru the humiliatien. Jary need money for food.
“Who here use iTunes to listen to .mp3’s?” he say over the scufling of shoes and murmer of conversatien. “Ever notice that iTunes want you to instal update like every ten minute’s? Its like, Hey Apple, i was perfectly satesfide with iTunes versien 11.0.1. Why do i need iTunes versien 11.0.2? The interface barely seem moare smooth. Um, will the Lana Delray CD I just import to my iTunes librery sound more crisp in versien 11.0.2?”
At this point, with expert time Jary reach into the front pocket of his overall’s and produce the first “prop” from his set, a copy of Lana Delrays 2012 debut albem “Born To Die.” From the audiance the CD is tiny and the light reflect and glint off the surfece of the compact disk so its imposible to read. Jary go on: “Speaking of digital media, any of you ever tried to load a .wav file into their Micresoft Zune? The file so large it take like three minute for every .wav file! You know why they call it .wav file, rite? Because—”
But Jary never get to deliver the punch line. He hear a voice from some where in the back go “Jary senfeld? More like Jary SHIT-feld!” Its the first time anyone in the room laugh, and the WHOALE room laugh. Jary feel like Kim Jung-Un just fire a nuclular misile at his chest. Jary want to come up with a good come back but cant tell the race of the audiance member. So he just go: “FUCK YOU.” But this only make the hecklar get bolder and the hecklar go: “Instead of iTunes maybe you shold update your SENSE OF HUMER to versien 11.0.2!” Jary feel the room start to spining around. Execpt spoiler alert: its all in hes mind. Hes tramataize. Jary just faint right there.