Have you been following the saga of the Deranged Sorority Girl (DSG)? First there was her email. Then there was Alison Haislip’s interpretation. And Michael Shannon’s interpretation. And all of the other interpretations. And then there was the inevitable resignation from Delta Gamma. I said then and I still believe now that this spunky young lady would make one hell of a motivational speaker, and that got me wondering how DSG might have punched up some of history’s greatest speeches. So tie yourselves down, this is going to be a rough fucking ride.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt:
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. That and stupid fucking awkward cocks who have their heads up their asses.
We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender. And if any of you are hearing this right now and you’re saying to yourself, “OMG Winston, I’ve been having too much fun to fight Nazis,” then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you in London and do it myself.
Martin Luther King Jr.:
I have a dream that my children will one day live in a nation where they will be judged not by the color of their skin but by whether they act like goddamn boners at sporting events.
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow
of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath
borne me on his back a thousand times and never once did he
FUCK UP and act like a FUCKING FAGGOT in terms of night time events and general social interactions.
This is one small step for man, one giant cunt punt for mankind