It’s been a few years since we did our annual roundup of Least Likely Christmas Specials, our list of holiday programs that are unlikely to occur during this lifetime.
As always, this idea was inspired by this classic post by John Scalzi, The Ten Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time.
Now without further ado, we present this year’s crop of Least Likely Christmas Specials.
Wayne LaPierre’s Rootin’ Tootin’ Shootin’ NRA Christmas
There’s no mandatory waiting period on holiday cheer this Christmas! There’s also nobody checking whether you’ve been naughty or nice. In fact, we don’t care who you are or what you’re doing in Santa’s Gun Emporium & Shooting Range. If you can reach the counter and you’ve got the cash, then you just earned the right to exercise your second amendment rights. Anything less would be a slippery slope into socialism! Join me, National Rifle Association president Wayne LaPierre, for an evening of shooting, triage, and more shooting. We’ll sing all your favorite Christmas carols, including “God Shoot Ye Merry Gentlemen,” “Oh Little Town of Columbine,” “Silencer Night,” and “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (So I Shot Him for Trespassing).”
Chris Christie’s Holiday Feast for One
Join New Jersey governor Chris Christie as he smokes a Christmas ham, a rack of ribs, and a full brisket. No, he’s not having any guests. Why do you ask?
Terrence Malick’s The Tree of Christmas
Open on three minutes of blackness. From the darkness the universe is born, then the Milky Way, and finally the solar system. On the third planet from the sun — the newly formed Earth — volcanoes erupt as the land forms and eventually cools. After billions of years, microbes appear and begin to replicate. Sea life is born, then plants on land, then dinosaurs, then Santa Claus. He builds a workshop at the North Pole and begins to make toys for all of the good little girls and boys. Also, his father doesn’t love him.