You may remember my shed from such previous posts as “Looks Like the Starbucks in My Shed Will Be Closing” and, well, that’s pretty much it actually.
I recently spent three days and several hundred dollars in materials to construct a new door on our shed, a sad, ramshackle structure that probably isn’t worth the cost of the lumber I used to shore it up. This project was prompted by a vist from our realtor a few months ago. He’s been helping us to prioritize repair projects before putting the house on the market, and on a stroll through the backyard he appraised the shed with a critical eye, flicked a finger at the rotting wood of the warped plywood door, and said, “I don’t know, you might want to nail a new board across this.”
Which I took as a mandate.
My wife called it putting lipstick on a pig, but I prefer to think of it as putting mag wheels* on a Pinto (yes, I realize I’m dating myself by using that term but they’ll always be mag wheels to me).
At this time I would like to introduce the verb ‘shed door’ into the vernacular:
shed door [shed dohr]
1. to grossly over-engineer
2. to throw good money after bad
3. to put more resources into a project than can be justified by the final result
Usage: “With the addition of these full color charts and glossy cover, I’m going to shed door the hell out of this monthly sales report!”
Here are some of the features of the new shed, post-reconstruction:
Shiny new hinges:
State-of-the-art security system:
Customized Moisturgard™ barrier system along the side facing the compost bin:
Customized Doortite™ door closing system (forces warped door to shut tightly):
The final result:
Special note to family: Now, I know there have been some complaints, but opening the shed door it really quite easy if you follow these simple steps.
1. Unlock the padlock; set aside (but not too far aside)
2. With your left hand, press firmly against the center of the doors just above the latch while simultaneously turning the Doortite door closing system (i.e., that piece of wood that’s holding the door closed) from the six o’clock position to the three o’clock position.
3. Release the door and step back.
4. Once the doors release by an inch or two, you should be able to turn the latch from the vertical to the horizontal position, thus allowing you to detach it from the clasp. (Note: this step may take patience and some degree of gentle jostling. DO NOT TRY TO FORCE LATCH! Also, do not bother your father; he’s busy.)
4. That’s it! Enjoy the contents of your shed in health and happiness!