First Dog

In honor of election day, here is a sketch I wrote for Side of Toast’s Blue State Special on Friday night. In the show, Mosie McNally played Bo Obama and Pam Victor played Rafalca, and they both did bangup jobs.

FIRST DOG

BO OBAMA (a black dog with a white spot on its belly) is sitting on a park bench. He is reading the newspaper and smoking a cigar. RAFALCA, a show horse, enters, dancing in an exaggerated manner. BO watches him for some moments.

BO OBAMA: If you don’t mind me asking, what the hell are you doing?

RAFALCA: It’s a dressage thing. I wouldn’t expect a dog to understand.

This whole time, the horse is prancing about.

BO: Dressage? Oh, isn’t that that froofy horse dancing?

RAFALCA: (pausing for a moment) It’s not froofy. It takes a considerable degree of poise (move), skill (move), and execution (finishing move).

BO: Whatever you say. Hey, wait a minute, I recognize you. You’re Ann Romney’s horse.

RAFALCA: (elaborately bowing) Ralfalca, in the flesh. I trace my lineage back to the Oldenburg line in Lower Saxony but soon I’ll be living in a new place – 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

BO: Not the way your boy’s poll numbers are looking. Anyway, if you ever do get to the White House, you’ll find me there waiting for you.

RAFALCA: (looks more closely at the dog for the first time) Oh, you’re that junkyard dog that the Obamas adopted.

BO: (standing up) Bo Obama. In the flesh. (He imitates RAFALCA’S moves)

RAFALCA: (sarcastically) You must be so proud.

BO: As a matter of fact, I am. You got a problem with that?

RAFALCA: I’ve got a problem with Democrats in general. As my owner Ann Romney once said of me, Rafalca has got more class in one hoof than Democrats have in their whole deal. (Aside to audience) That’s an actual quote, by the way.

BO: So you really like all this dressage business? Seems kind of undignified to me, prancing about for The Man like that. You’re a noble creature! You should be out on the prairie running free with the wild mustangs and the golden palominos!

RAFALCA: Why shouldn’t I do it? I’m quite good, you know. I recently competed in the London Olympics.

BO: Yeah, I heard you came in 28th place.

RAFALCA: It’s an honor just to compete.

BO: Yeah, that’s what they tell the people who come in 28th place.

RAFALCA: For your information, I’ve got a whole team of people taking care of me. Trainers, vets, massage therapists. I’ve got my own massage therapist!

BO: Yeah? You holler at me when you get your own Secret Service detail. Those guys would take a bullet for me. Not that I’d let ’em, of course.

RAFALCA: (dubious) Right, right.

BO: You doubtin’ me? You doubtin’ me? Any of those crazy ass Fox News-watchin’ crackers comes at Barry or my sweeeet Michelle or Sasha or Malia, I’ll be right there (growling, fighting), defending my pack. Now as for Grandpa, Joe Biden, he can take care of himself.

RAFALCA: You act tough, but you’ve never accomplished anything. At least Barbara Bush’s dog Millie wrote a book while she was in the White House. It was called Millie’s Book and it was one of my favorites when I was just a young mare.

BO: She didn’t write that book! Millie wasn’t the brightest hound in the kennel, if you know what I mean. And for your information, I am working on a book but it’s not a fluff piece. It’s a novel, and it’s a combination of Infinite Jest and The Incredible Journey and it’s gonna blow the lid off the whole pet publishing world. But I can’t let it drop until my man Barry is out of the White House. And it looks like that’s gonna be another four long years.

RAFALCA: You think so, huh?

BO: Yeah, Rafalca, I do. So my advice to you? Given how much of his fortune your boy Mitt spent on this election, you’d better (does dressage moves) brush up on your moves, because you’re going to need them when you’re giving pony rides at kids birthday parties.

RAFALCA: We’ll see, we’ll see. Now come here. If you’re going to do dressage, you may as well get it right.

As the scene ends, RAFALCA shows BO a move as they dance off-stage.

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