The Rightful King of the Realm

B3ta asked readers to submit their best stories about sex toys. Cumquat may had the best one:

“My missus asked me to buy her a vibrator, and always wanting to encourage any interest in sex, I agreed. I went to a sex shop in Notting Hill, and lacking further instruction I picked out a medium-large purple rubbery one. Returning home, she was disappointed: I’d failed to understand that for something to be called a vibrator, it had to vibrate. What I’d bought was a dildo. I tried to return it, but sensibly they don’t accept returns on sex toys. Though I’m sure there’s a market somewhere for used dildos, I forked out for a shiny chrome vibrator with variable speed. The unwanted purple dildo I tried putting in the hand of statue of a bloke on a horse in Hyde Park, but the climb was too difficult and I’d attracted onlookers and I bottled it. So I ended up tossing it in the Serpentine, where it awaits to this day, ready to rise erect, cupped in a ghostly hand for the rightful King of the Realm.”

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