The Avengers Disassembled

Even if you haven’t seen The Avengers, you may find mirth aplenty in Cracked’s “If The Avengers was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest.” But if you haven’t seen it yet you might want to ask yourself why you hate America.

Here is the scene where Scarlett Johansson’s character is introduced. Once Scarlett dons her black leather bodysuit she delivers all of her dialogue ass-first to the camera. Also, her weapon of choice is a handgun, not much use against immortal gods and intergalactic robot/aliens. But at least she’s ahead of the guy using a bow and arrows.

INT. TOP SECRET RUSSIAN CRIME HIDEOUT

SCARLETT JOHANSSON is tied up, being interrogated by RANDOM RUSSIAN DUDES.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Am I tied to this chair so that I can’t strike a self-aware, sexy pose every four seconds? Because it won’t work.

SCARLETT escapes the chair and beats everyone up while being ATTRACTIVE.

RANDOM RUSSIAN BAD GUY

Did you just punch me with your hair?
(dies)

CLARK GREGG
(on phone)

Agent Johansson, we have a situation. A nigh-invulnerable demigod has attacked our world, and he stole a blue MacGuffin and … a foreign scientist.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Oh my God. The foreign scientist will do tech bullshit to the cube and destroy everything!

CLARK GREGG

Don’t worry, we’ve sent a guy on 1940s steroids with a buckler shield to bring him in. Just in case that fails, though, we need you to bring in Mark Ruffalo. He’s the new Hulk because apparently Edward Norton is a detestable cunt to work with.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

What about you, Agent Gregg?

CLARK GREGG

I’m off to get Robert Downey Jr. My bland everyman persona makes me the perfect candidate for recruiting a smug, self-aware alcoholic.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Then I’ll get right on it. Just as soon as I change into a slightly tighter leather outfit, this one doesn’t quite show the outline of my sphincter.

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3 Responses to The Avengers Disassembled

  1. pt dismal says:

    the avengers was one of my favorite comics growing up. i am certain your parody is spot on, and this is one reason i won’t be seeing it. the other reason is that this shit is for children.

    ptd

  2. pt dismal says:

    yeah, me and obama.

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