I wrote this poem last summer for a live show called Christmas in July that featured my sketch group Side of Toast. It was a benefit for the hilarious play Santacide, which played last week at the Academy of Music in Northampton. This post is a couple of days late for the solstice but I completely forgot that I had written it.
Twas the night before solstice and all through the valley
All the liberals were stirring on their way to the rally
We demanded an end to hunger and war,
And extended hours at the Whole Foods store.
The drum circle played and kicked up a racket
Along with the PETA folks in their fake leather jackets
The crowd held a sign that said Never surrender!
Right next to the lesbians, bi, gay, and transgendered.
When over Town Common there arose such a clatter
We all turned toward Hadley to see what was the matter
The noise was so great, such a godawful throwdown
We feared the return of the Hobart Hoedown!
When what to our eyes should come into view
But a miniature sleigh pulled by eight Arctic caribou
The crowd gasped as one at the sight of this stranger
For weren’t these creatures still quite endangered?
The man in the sleigh was dressed in red velvet
And portly of size like late period Elvis.
His face was bearded with a fuzzy white down
Like he’d just returned from Bear Week in Provincetown
He landed the sleigh and pulled up to our crew
He whistled and shouted and called to the caribou
“Now Palin! Now Bachmann! Now Gingrich and Romney!
Let’s all pull together to bring down Obamney!”
In a flash that made me wish for Mylanta
I realized the stranger was Republican Santa!
He didn’t give presents, he thought them extortion
He gave only tax cuts and bans on abortion.
He said, “Forget all you’ve heard about peace, love and friends
Christmas demands that you spend, spend, spend
Mortgage your house and max out your cards
Hang gaudy crap in your home and your yard!“
As the sleigh pulled up closer I look at him warily
The beard on his face didn’t quite look so hairy
His skin it was pale and his eyes red and veiny
I pulled off his beard and we all saw Dick Cheney!
I grabbed at the sled as my heart started beating
We’d put him on trial at Amherst Town Meeting!
But Cheney was faster than a day at the races
He pulled out a shotgun and aimed at our faces.
“I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again
Don’t make me mistake your face for a hen.”
Then he took up the reins and he pulled them up straight.
“From now on,” he said, “I land only in red states.”
As the crowd saw the last of this odd portly fellow
The Ganjafest guys helped make us all mellow
I wished we had caught him but I wasn’t a hater
How often do you meet a real life Darth Vader?