Ask Pepper Spray Cop

Do you need relationship advice? Fashion tips? Home repair and improvement suggestions? Do any of these problems involve the judicious application of pepper spray? Then have I got the advice column for you!

Over at Pikescorner, UC Davis Police Lt. John Pike* answers reader-submitted questions with his own winning mix of homespun wisdom and charming wit.

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SQUIRREL STEALING BIRDFEED: ANY SUGGESTIONS?

Reader HawkEye writes:

Any advice for getting rid of an obstinate squirrel who continually steals bird feed? I’ve tried rat poison. Got the birds, not the squirrel 😦

Try pepper spraying the squirrel until his eyes bleed.

– Lt. John Pike

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Kids Won’t Go To Bed On Time

Interesting points made by a reader in Ann Arbor:

Dear Lt. Pike,

My sons are 4 and 6, and have recently taken to refusing to go to bed on time. The oldest plants himself in front of the tv with arms crossed, pouting while they younger one simply imitates him (actually kind of adorable). After reading your blog, my husband and I decided to pepper spray them until their eyes bled. However, we found that pepper spraying one of them until his eyes bleed is just as effective as pepper spraying both of them until their eyes bleed, as it terrifies the other one into submission. Aside from the order this has reinstalled in our household, we are also saving money on pepper spray.

Excellent point in these trying economic times!

– Lt. John Pike

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* actually film-maker Ryan Gielen

[Props=Gawker]

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4 Responses to Ask Pepper Spray Cop

  1. Lurker111 says:

    I’d love to be a fly on the wall of the Pike household now, to hear what they’re saying and thinking about all this.

  2. Larry says:

    I’d love to spray this Pike idiot until HIS eyes bled.

  3. Pingback: The hippies have got us surrounded! | Happy Valley News Hour

  4. Pingback: Wouldn’t it be Funny if He Found Himself on the Other Side of the Rampart? | Happy Valley News Hour

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