How Will Obama Lure Republicans to His Jobs Talk?

On Thursday evening, President Obama plans to address a joint session of Congress, having already rescheduled the speech once to accommodate Republicans. Now today there came news that some Republicans still plan to boycott the president’s speech.

Responding to this situation, the White House today announced these incentives, which it hoped would prompt more Republicans to attend the speech.

– Waive two drink minimum
– First ten Republicans through the door get to pass their own bill, no questions asked
– Waffle station
– Cage Match: McCain v. Lieberman – two men enter, one man leaves
– Free WiFi
– Gag photo that makes it look like subject is sitting in Abe’s lap on Lincoln Monument
– Bubble machine cranked, like, all the way up
– Unlimited lap dances courtesy of Gingrich Erotic Entertainment Services
– Snow globe depicting the United States in glory days before the New Deal
– Opening set by Mark Farner, former frontman of mega-selling rock group Grand Funk Railroad
– Get out jail free card good for one gay sex scandal
– Giant inflatable gorilla tied to the Capital Dome and lit by searchlights
– Speech to be accompanied by laser show set to Dark Side of the Moon
– Free t-shirt: The Kenyan Muslim Usurper Addressed a Joint Session of Congress and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt
– Secession

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