Come Camping

Before you read this epically awesome Craigslist posting for a “Manhood Camping Firequest,” let me say for the record that I AM NOT GAY!

Now on to the post, here quoted in its entirety:

Lookin’ for a 100% for real bros to share/experience manhood in all its glory. This is for real, I don’t want to waste my time or yours. 100% JO and manhood, no sugar added. I AM NOT GAY. Don’t even think this is a sex thing, it’s all about manhood.

Looking for bros to head into the woods and bond by fire, experience life as men once lived it, JO circle, and fire/vision quests.

THIS IS NOT A SEX THING.

Gonna need some basic things/skills, I don’t want to be slowed down by fools:

– must be in reasonable shape, if you get winded walking then stay home
– Ed Hardy camping gear, it’s really good gear and it’s awesome
– desire to be a man among men
– not afraid to wield a blade
– crystal, I’m not sharing mine
– must be able to make a fire
– gloves
– a knowledge of native vegetation (knowledge of psychotropic fungus a plus)
– knowledge of modern music
– protective/splash resistant eye wear
– 5 – 10 of those clip things that rock climbers use

We are gonna need a mobile music device, ipod or something. I’m bringing the music for the firequests and visionquests, Nickleback’s The Long Road. I only have it on CD, so I’ll have my discman as a last resort, an ipod would be nicer. Just sayin’.

Dont’ want to see”

– bad attitudes
– gay/homoerotic behavior, this is a manhood thing. I AM NOT GAY.
– cock rings, can’t keep it up w/o help, you aren’t gonna make it on this quest
– firearms, there’s gonna be enough guns going off and spent shells to pick up
– the nerds/dorks/lames/and anyone less than 100% into manhood.

If you are serious, then I promise you this will be the trip of your life. It will change the way you think. I’m serious, and I AM NOT GAY. To see a group of bros being men, a JO circle by a camp fire. The charge/energy in the air. Crystals get jacked, no lie. You will slip into a different frame of mind, you will feel electric.

Last outing, we had a group that was so charged we attracted bears. It was no deal, nature knew man was in the forest, the crystals gave us the confidence to own those bears. I saw it, I was there.

100% SERIOUS, NO FAKERS

__________________________________________

Now, before you point and laugh, the first commenter at Gawker, drunkexpatwriter, says that laughing at these Brave ‘bating Bros is just another form of slut shaming:

While it is way easy to make fun of this ad and of other ads where dudes solicit “straight jerk off buddies” we really aren’t doing society a favor by doing so – since we are essentially slut shaming a fairly common form of sexual expression in the male heterosexual community and doing so in a homophobic way (since there is not really much difference between making fun of straight identified men who jerk each other off and gay identified men who do the same.)

To which I say: I’m sorry, but if the mental picture of a bunch of guys sitting around a campfire in their Ed Hardy gear listening to Nickelback, doing meth and jacking off so furiously they attract bears (while reassuring each other that there’s absolutely nothing ‘gay’ about what they’re doing) isn’t inherently hilarious, then I don’t know what is.

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4 Responses to Come Camping

  1. crisi-tunity says:

    It’s not a circle jerk! It’s a VISION QUEST! Huuuuuge difference.

  2. I am woefully stupid because I don’t understand any of this entire post. And I’m NOT GAY!

  3. kamper says:

    It’s simple, really, twinks. First, a bunch of bros gather in a parking lot with all their Ed Hardy camping gear. Keep in mind that these are 100% dudes, no nerds/dorks/lames and definitely NO GAYS! So these bros find their campsite and set up camp. Next, maybe they play some catch or swim or do some reading. They start a fire and have a nice dinner, burgers and brats probably. Maybe they make smores. Then, as the night deepens, they all gather in a circle around the fire in their collapsible camping chairs and listen to Nickelback and masturbate together (note: they do not masturbate each other, because that would be GAY; they masturbate themselves in the presence of others, because that is NOT GAY). Then they go to sleep.

    Breakfast is awkward.

  4. pt dismal says:

    you left out the part when they smoke the crystal meth (at first i thought he meant crystals, but that would be new age, not bro)

    what do they do with the carabiners? are they attached to one another in case one of them falls into the fire or over a cliff while masturbating?

    protective eyewear? does crystal meth really produce that kind of trajectory? wow.

    i’m pretty sure if you listen to nickleback you’re gay. or is it coldplay?

    ptd

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