Reviews of Movies I’ll Never See

Dustin Rowles (Pajiba) on the Zookeeper:

. . . when I woke up, the credits were rolling and a groggy mother behind me was asking her daughter where the bad movie had touched her. The sullen child pointed at her head and drooled a little, suggesting that Kevin James and The Zookeeper had given her mild brain damage. The mother patted her on the head and gave her a Gummy Bear. They probably headed to a T.G.I.Friday’s afterwards.

Vern on Transformers: Dark of the Moon

The much discussed last act of DARK OF THE MOON is like a white guy, it doesn’t have any rhythm. Optimus or Bumblee Bee will show up for a second and do something and then be gone for a while and you don’t know where they are. They aren’t really anywhere I guess, until they’re needed for a shot. As is traditional in the TRANSFORMERS series the villain just stands on a tall building for the last half hour or so, occasionally yelling something evil.

I really believe you could chop out almost any of the scenes and mix them up in any order at all and it wouldn’t make any more or less sense.

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