In Response to Vancouver Rioting, Boston Agrees to Relinquish Stanley Cup

Following the violent rioting in Vancouver that arose in the wake of the city’s loss to the Boston Bruins in game seven of the Stanley Cup last night, the city of Boston has unanimously decided to relinquish the Stanley Cup to Vancouver. In a press conference, a visibly upset Boston Mayor Thomas M. Menino said, “We simply had no idea that the Canadians felt so passionately about this issue! Needless to say, no sporting event is worth this level of discord between cities and nations. That’s why I am proud to announce that, with the full support of the Bruins’ owners, coaching staff, players, and fans, we are giving the Stanley Cup to Vancouver for the next year. Our only request is that Boston fans be permitted to view the Cup occasionally — on a prearranged schedule that is convenient to our gracious Canadian hosts, of course — so that we can take a moment to remember what might have been.” Choking back tears, the mayor vowed, “Come next September, our Bruins will be skating hard to win the Cup back, but until then allow me to say to the city of Vancouver: enjoy the Stanley Cup! You’ve earned it!”

Bruins goalie Tim Thomas, winner of the Conn Smythe trophy for best player in the playoffs, added, “I may have the trophy, but the real MVP of this series are the kids in Vancouver, who put their own safety at risk by torching police cars, smashing shop windows, and playing air guitar with the severed legs of mannequins. I wish I had one-tenth of their passion and commitment to the sport of hockey.”

Boston Globe sports writer Dan Shaughnessy, who whole-heartedly supports the decision, published a touching and heartfelt column this morning in which he wrote about the legendarily generous spirit of Boston sports fans. “To Bostonians,” he wrote, “Good relations with our neighbors to the north are much more important than any dumb ole Stanley Cup.” Shaughnessy ended his column, “Victory be damned. Friendship is what lasts!”

The Stanley Cup will be shipped via FedEx to Vancouver no later than Monday. For Boston fans, it’s the most generous gift they have given to a rival sports city since last season’s historic ‘Building Bridges with the Yankees’ Day at Fenway.

Below: One of the heart-breaking photographs that convinced the city of Boston to give up the Stanley Cup.

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