The Obligatory Open Letter to Anthony Weiner

I hate* you right now, Anthony Weiner, not because of the naughty tweets and the sexy texts** but because you are making me admit something that I would rather drink paint thinner with a Drano chaser than admit: Andrew Breitbart was right. Oh god how saying that burns my britches. It burns hotter than sitting on a thousand heat pads all turned up to eleven, hotter than a thousand cups of takeout coffee all poured on my crotch at the same time. It burns, Anthony, is what I’m trying to say.

I had your back, Anthony, and this is how you repay me? Your unfathomably stupid and reckless behavior handed this blind squirrel the political nut of the year. And worst of all is the fact that it was an unforced error, a gimmme of Monkey Business-sized proportions. Andrew Breitbart is the cad who maligned Shirley Sherrod, who trashed ACORN, who played Captain Steuben on James O’Keefe’s Rape Boat, and you presented this beclowned ponce with a silver platter laden with nothing but your skivvy-clad hardon. And it’s not only your own career you royally pooch-screwed, because this felonious fop is going to use your week of lying to create mayhem for Democrats for years to come — all he need do is claim he’s got dong pics of some poor sap, and every heartfelt denial will be twisted as ‘pulling a Weiner.’

Here are Bill Maher and Jane Lynch reading some of his sexts. Needless to say, it’s NSFW.

* not ‘hate’ hate, mind you.
** as to that, it’s not for me to judge, but you showed such reckless disregard for anything approaching tact or caution that I have to assume that getting caught was inevitable and indeed desired. So congrats, I guess.

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2 Responses to The Obligatory Open Letter to Anthony Weiner

  1. pt dismal says:

    i know i’m all ignorant and shit, not having a teevee, but why do we mispronounce his name? why does he mispronounce his own name? carl reiner, rob reiner? gertrude stein? if the i comes after the e you say “eye” not “ee” for the vowel sound, no? is this divine retribution for being ignorant of the proper pronunciation of one’s own name?


  2. hardon is one word? C’mon, I know better. Look: hard on. HARD ON. This weather is really HARD ON my hair. Like that. Get it? Now get over here with your hardon, Kamper. I miss you.

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