Newt Gingrich: Warrior

Newt’s first week on the campaign trail has been rocky indeed. First he got called on his racist dog-whistles, then he got flack from the right for having an opinion contrary to Republican party orthodoxy (which is to say, ‘reasonable’), then he got a fabulous glitter makeover, and then he got caught owing something north of 250 grand to Tiffanys (hey, those solid gold nipple clamps don’t come cheap!)

And now to top it all off, his press spokesperson, Rick Tyler, has put out a statement on all this mayhem that could be charitably described as . . . what? exuberant? colorful? insane?

Here it is in its entirety:

The literati sent out their minions to do their bidding. Washington cannot tolerate threats from outsiders who might disrupt their comfortable world. The firefight started when the cowardly sensed weakness. They fired timidly at first, then the sheep not wanting to be dropped from the establishment’s cocktail party invite list unloaded their entire clip, firing without taking aim their distortions and falsehoods. Now they are left exposed by their bylines and handles. But surely they had killed him off. This is the way it always worked. A lesser person could not have survived the first few minutes of the onslaught. But out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Gingrich, once again ready to lead those who won’t be intimated by the political elite and are ready to take on the challenges America faces.

So many questions:
– Gingrich is an outsider?
– the sheep are firing machine guns?
– tweets and trivia create dust? Is that edust?
– when did Charlie Sheen begin writing press releases for Newt Gingrich?

That this pasty, well fed, eminently comfortable man’s narcissistic quest for the presidency could be compared to a firefight is a textbook example of what Glenn Greenwald called the right-wing cult of contrived masculinity. Expect a shirtless, glittery Gingrich to pop up from the behind the desk, his Armani tie tied around his head as a bandana, firing an explosive tipped arrow at those effete media elites.
Update: When I wrote this post I neglected to mention another Newt-related development: Gingrich came out today and said that anyone who quotes his criticism of Paul Ryan’s Medicare plan is lying because Newt has already disavowed his own words.

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2 Responses to Newt Gingrich: Warrior

  1. Naked Newt, covered in glitter and honey=HOT HOT HOT!

  2. Pingback: John Lithgow reading that insane Gingrich press release | Happy Valley News Hour

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