Vlad the Impaler celebrates National Soup Month

Servus! Bun venit!

It is I, Vlad the Impaler, Prince of Wallachia, here to share some of my most cherished soup recipes with you in celebration of my favorite holiday — National Soup Month!

Summer: Let’s start out with some delightful chilled soups to celebrate summer, that most glorious of seasons. Just picture the scene: a summer evening, the high veranda at Poienari Castle, the sun setting over the Carpathian Mountains, the only sound the screams of your enemies as they writhe in exquisite agony under a torture of your own devising. What is the perfect soup for such an occasion? Let me suggest a light, refreshing Cucumber Soup in a Yoghurt base. Serve this soup briskly chilled and garnished with chopped chives, a hearty, crusty bread, and the steaming entrails of your newly eviscerated enemies.

Or you can always go with that other summer classic: Gazpacho. Be sure use only the freshest summer vegetables and substitute V8 instead of tomato juice for that extra kick of flavor. Serve it with homemade croutons and a nice glass of the tears of your enemies, extracted with care as they beg for the release that only death can bring.

Autumn: Fall, of course, brings not only that bracing nip in the air but also delicious root vegetables, so it’s the season for borscht, roasted sweet potato bisque, and spicy parsnip soup. Any one of these delicious choices would be a perfect complement for traditional autumnal activities such as hay rides, leaf raking, or the public flaying of your enemies. Nothing marks the glorious turn of the seasons like the scent of roasting nutmeg and the screams of your enemies as they writhe in exquisite agony under a torture of your own devising. Serve in warmed bowls with a mug of hot mulled cider and your guests will surely sing your praises (those who still have tongues, that is!).

Winter: With the coming of winter, one’s palate naturally craves heartier fare, and I love to nourish my soul with beef stew or the traditional goulash of the Hunyadi clan of neighboring Hungary. During these cold, inhospitable months, one yearns to settle in beside the hearth, basking in the warming screams of your enemies as they writhe in exquisite agony under a torture of your own devising. Those dank castle walls won’t seem half so cold if you fortify yourself with a hot, hearty stew! And for that extra seasonal touch, serve it in the hollowed out skulls of your enemies. Pre-warmed, of course!

That’s all the recipes we have time for. Join us next time as we discuss the perfect appetizer for Spring’s First Impaling.

Pofta buna! (good appetite).
Your pal Vlad.

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6 Responses to Vlad the Impaler celebrates National Soup Month

  1. Anonymous says:

    Who is Crazier? Charlie Sheen, Muammar Gaddafi, or the Kamper?

  2. Matty J says:

    Who is Crazier? Charlie Sheen, Muammar Gaddafi, or the Kamper?

  3. twinkly sparkles says:

    Beautiful Soup, so rich and green,
    Waiting in a hot tureen!
    Who for such dainties would not stoop?
    Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
    Soup of the evening, beaufiful Soup!

    I love me some soup and Kamper’s original content!
    SWAK, twinkly

  4. GIVE ME HITS, KAMPER. Maybe I can figure this out this time….

  5. pt dismal says:

    can i get the borscht recipe, please. i got the part about the skull, but i really need a good borscht recipe.
    ptd
    ps: re: twinkly’s hits–i don’t see a link. you can’t even give twinkly a link?

  6. Fuck off, pt. Just click on my name on the second comment. Fuck this shit.

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