The Gift of the Magi
by Violent O. Henry
So there were these two ninjas. Got me. This one real fine bitch with long fucking hair that she had dyed all these different fucking colors. And so she was shacked up with this one motherfucker who fucking killed it on the XboX. They were really fucking happy, what with all the weed and meth and Faygo and waking up in their own vomit after a wild night of Faygo induced bumpin on a nedden hole.
So but okay see, the guy, this ninja lost his fucking job at Food Lion where he worked in the dairy because he tried to push a pallet of milk jugs over on the manager. But the manager looked like a fucking fag or some shit and always gave him shit about coming to work on time and shit so the fucker deserved it.
But shit, get this, his juggalette also lost her job. She worked at the fireplace/video rental place out near the highway. They fired her for no reason just because the place burned down after she left a blunt going on the counter top or something. Totally fucking bullshit.
But so Christmas or some shit came up and they were sad because they loved each other, or I don’t know whatever that feeling in your dong is, and so they really wanted to get some nice shit for each other, but they didn’t fucking have any fucking money and the dude’s mom wouldn’t give him no more because he spent the last money she gave him on weed rather than formula for the baby.
Oh, they also have a baby. I am so fucking stoned, I forgot to mention it. Damn, where did I put it. Fuck it, I am sure the baby is fine.
Anyway, so like, the girl got real drunk and passed out and he guy shaved her head and sold her hair to a clown wig maker and took the money and bought the new fucking Call of Duty game for his XboX. She didn’t notice because she was hung over the next morning and her scalp always felt like it had ants on it. While he was in the bathroom taking a dump, she took his XboX and sold it at the pawn show and bought some hair dye so she could get it looking good for the Winter Gathering in Orlando.
Well, after she did that, she tried to dye her air and realized she didn’t have any and then he came out of the bathroom, or something, and realized that his XboX was gone.
They realized what they had done and how they’d been able to give each other the greatest gift of all and decided to just burn the apartment building down.
I still don’t know what happened to the baby.