Lessons Learned from the Eat-Your-Own-Beard Guy

The latest story burning up the Internet is the tale of the man who ate his own beard.

Now what life lessons can we take away from Harvey Westmoreland’s unfortunate experience?

1. Some news stories are perfect. Absolutely perfect.

2. Never ever attempt to sell possessions to friends or family members. It always ends badly, even when neither party in the transaction is drunk and/or a redneck and/or a drunk redneck.

3. It looks as though his beard may have contained enough food particles that eating it was not a complete nutritional wash. So there’s that.

4. Frontier justice has it own crazy internal logic.

5. Harvey’s beard will grow back. As King Théoden puts it so eloquently in The Two Towers: “Saruman’s hordes will pillage and burn; we’ve seen it before. Crops can be resown, homes rebuilt. Within these walls, we will outlast them.”

Or adapted to our present situation: “Troy Holt and James Hill may pillage and burn and force us to eat our own beards. We’ve seen it before. But mowers can be resold, lawns remowed. Upon this face, my beard will outgrow them.”

6. “Southern Style” is more than just a hat. It’s an entire look, an entire worldview, an entire ethos.

7. Obama is a socialist!

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