Thor Harris, the vocalist for the band Shearwater has compiled a list of 23 rules of the road for bands on tour. I’m not in a band, but most of these also apply to family road trips. Except maybe for the masturbation and not allowing yourself to get dicked over by the promoter.
2. Dont Complain. Bitching, moaning, whining is tour cancer.
3. If something is wrong fix it or shut the fuck up you fucking dick. Goddamn.
4. If you fart, claim it.
5. Dont Lose shit. Everybody loses shit. Dont fucking do it. Asshole.
6. Dont fuck anyone in the band. There are tons of people to fuck who are not in this band. Dumbass.
7. If you feel like shit all the time, drink less beer at the gig. You will play better & feel better. What are you a child? Some have the endurance for self abuse. Most dont.
8. Remember the soundmans name. He will do a better job.
9. Eat oranges. Cures constipation & prevents colds.
10. Masturbate. Duh… Where & when? Be creative. You’re an artist, right?
11. If YOU can’t carry your suitcase 3 blocks, its too goddamn big.
12. Respect public space in the van. Dont clutter, you Fuck.
13. If you borrow something, return it. Not Fucked Up.
14. Do not let the promoter dick you or talk you out of the guarantee. If there were not enough people there, its their fault.
15. Driver picks the music.
16. One navigator only (usually sitting shotgun). Everyone else shut the fuck up.
17. Soundcheck is for checking sounds. Shut the fuck up while everyone else is checking.
18. Dont wander off. Let someone know where you are.
19. Clean up after yourself. What are you a goddamn toddler?
20. Touring makes everyone bi-polar. Ride the waves as best you can and remember, moods pass. So dont make any snap decisions or declarations when you are drunk or insane.
21. Fast food is Poison.
22. The guestlist is for friends, family & people you might want to fuck. Everyone else can pay. They have day jobs.
23. Dont evaluate your whole life while you’re sitting in a janitor closet waiting to go on. You think youre above having shitty days at work? Shut up & do your goddamn job.
If you’re wondering what number one is, it’s a photograph (presumably of Thor) and you can find it right here.