Alpha Centauri, Centaurus — The Most High Lord Mungus, Regent of Greater Groknar, has registered a sternly worded complaint with the United Nations, the Miss Universe Organization, and Donald Trump protesting yesterday’s naming of Miss Universe. Jimena Navarrete, Miss Mexico, was named Miss Universe from 83 contestants from various countries around the world at the annual contest held at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas. The broadcast was seen by an estimated one billion earthlings.
Mungus, a form of sentient moss, spoke with reporters across the vast gulf of space through telepathic hookup. “We’ve just about had it with this Miss Universe nonsense,” the entity explained. “Now this is nothing against Miss Mexico, she seems like a nice enough person for someone with bones and all that flesh, but it’s time you humans learned that there are many, many other species in this universe and, to be blunt, humans are not even in the top five looks-wise. Oh those dreadful heads of yours, bobbing there at the end of your spine like a child’s balloon, and those repulsive, what are they called?, oh yes, those buttocks. Don’t even get me started on buttocks. Or nostrils. Ewww. You people are all just so much meat smashed together, if you ask me, though obviously nobody did.”
Mungus went on, “It used to be funny – your broadcasts would finally reach us and we’d all sit around and watch and we’d laugh and laugh. Miss Universe! The nerve! The talent portion was especially amusing. I mean, really. Violin? Juggling? Singing? Those are your talents? For our part, we can alter the state physical reality using only our minds, and we are far from the most talented species in the universe. So please, just stop, because it’s not funny anymore and you’re just embarrassing yourselves.”
“Perhaps you could call it Miss Bipedal or better yet Miss Earthbound Bipedal Mammal, though even that’s a stretch. But no more Miss Universe. Do you hear? Look, I don’t want to get into making threats but you would not like us when we are angry. So consider this our cease and desist notice. The next time we will not be nearly so polite.” With that the entity send a searing bolt of thought energy through the minds of the reporters, causing a moment of indescribable pain but permanently raising their IQs by 1,000 points.