Scientists from the University of Iowa have reported the discovery of a species previously thought extinct: a heterosexual, monogamous, non-bondage-club-attending Republican. “We’re as shocked as anyone else,” said Dr. Brian Wellsford, a zoologist at the university. He and his team made the startling discovery while doing field research on the genetic forebears of the modern Republican party, which Wellsford has identified as part John Birch Society, part Richard Nixon, and part the Sumerian demon Asag, whose very presence is said to make fish boil alive. “For young people who only know Republicans in their current debased condition, this is an exciting development indeed,” Dr. Wellsford said.
The individual in question is one Floyd R. Hanson, an accountant from Iowa City, Iowa. Mr. Hanson enjoys working, playing golf and bridge, puttering in his workshop, and listening to soft jazz. Stranger still for a modern Republican, Mr. Hanson remains steadfastly faithful to his wife of 25 years, Enid; has never advocated the violent overthrow of the government or threatened violence against an elected official; and does not engage in any freaky bathroom sex or chatroom antics. He believes in low taxes, fiscally responsible spending policies, and limited government, but not death panels, secret government concentration camps, and Census conspiracies.
Upon learning of Mr. Hanson’s existence, the Republican National Committee forcibly relocated him to its secret underground lair/sex club for further study and a possible breeding program.