Tobacco Salad to be Banned Under New Federal Rule

Fifteen years after the Food and Drug Administration first proposed banning the sale and marketing of tobacco products to teenagers, top government officials announced Thursday that they would finally put the rule into effect.

Among other provisions, the bill will make it a felony to look cool while smoking, and will retroactively ban the existence of Humphrey Bogart, Kurt Vonnegut, and Edward R. Murrow.

The bill will also ban a range of popular smokeless tobacco products, including:

  • Tobacco salad,
  • Tobacco-crusted chicken
  • Tobacco toothpaste and dentifrice
  • Tobacco supplements
  • Tobacco flavored gum and hard candies
  • Tobacco-infused vitamin water
  • Tobacco breath mints
  • Tobacco soda
  • Powdered tobacco popcorn topping, and
  • Ben & Jerry’s Bits ‘N’ Butts (French vanilla ice cream laced with chocolate-coated mini cigarettes)
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