In what has become a cherished Christmas tradition here at Happy Valley News Hour, we have compiled our annual list of the Least Likely Christmas Specials. Last year we brought you four highly unlikely specials, including Methodone Christmas with Amy Winehouse, and Bernard Madoff’s Ponzi Scheme Hanukkah. Two years ago the unlikeliness manifested itself in six unlikely specials, including The Five Stages of Christmas: A Kübler-Ross Holiday Special, and Alexander Solzhenitsyn’s Christmas Comes to the Gulag. As always, this unlikeliness was inspired by this classic post by John Scalzi, The Ten Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time.
Now without further ado, we present this year’s crop.
Senator Joe McCarthy’s Christmas Blacklist
Psst. Psst. You, yeah you, over by duh ladies lingerie, come over here, by duh changing room. Don’t look in here! Whatsa matter witchoo? For your information, I wearing this outfit so I can remain undercover. Anyway, I gotta question for ya. Are you a Good American? Yeah, you sure about dat? Would you testify to it? Just kidding. So let me ask you, did you make a list? Did you check it twice? Well check it again. Make sure you aint got no Jews, queers, trade unionists, subversives, beatniks, journalists, French philosophers, and most especially no dirty Reds on dat list. No I don’t mean red as in Santa Claus, you idiot, I mean red as in Bolshevik. You know, Russia, the other frozen land to the north, only it aint filled wit elves and reindeer.
I’ll tell you what, you’d better let me check dat list for ya — go ahead and pass it under the door — don’t look in here, I told you I’m undercover. Dis is all for the job, but you gotta admit dis bustier looks pretty good on me, don’t it? Alright, let’s see what we got here. Billy, who’s dat? Your son? What does he want for Christmas? A soccer ball?! Dats a Commie sport if I ever heard one. Probably a queer to boot. Better report him. And who is dis Irving? Your husband? What’s he do for a living? Marketing executive? Sounds like a comsymp cover job, typical Fifth Column stuff. Better report him. Jenny? Your daughter, huh? She got a boyfriend? No? Better report her . . .
Karen Carpenter’s 12 Days of Starvation Holiday Fast
Everyone worries about those extra pounds we tend to pack on over the holidays, but you won’t gain an ounce if you simply follow Karen Carpenter’s patented Twelve Days of Starvation Holiday Fast.
On the First Day of Christmas, the diet gave to me: A horribly distorted sense of self
On the Second Day of Christmas, the diet gave to me: Two ketchup packets
On the Third Day of Christmas, the diet gave to me: Three deep breaths
On the Fourth Day of Christmas, the diet gave to me: Four blanched peanuts (unsalted)
On the Fifth Day of Christmas, the diet gave to me: No food at all!
On the Sixth Day of Christmas, the diet gave to me: Six diuretics
On the Seventh Day of Christmas, the diet gave to me: Seven tabs of Ex-lax
On the Eighth Day of Christmas, the diet gave to me: Eight cups of water
On the Ninth Day of Christmas, the diet gave to me: Nine stomach crunches
On the Tenth Day of Christmas, the diet gave to me: Ten bites of chicken (just kidding – it’s nothing again)
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, the diet gave to me: Family intervention
On the Twelfth of Christmas, the diet gave to me: Twelve paramedics (attempting resuscitation)
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s Enriched Uranium Christmas Infomercial
(Al Jazeera Network)
Greetings, decadent slaves of the Great Satan, and thanks for joining me today for my first annual Enriched Uranium Christmas Infomercial. I know that our two countries have had their differences in the past, but I am coming to you today on your most sacred holiday to offer once-in-a-lifetime savings. You want enriched uranium? We’ve got enriched uranium. You want yellow cake? We’ve got yellow cake. All sizes and colors, all quantities. Don’t be hostage to high prices, call the number on your screen right now. Or, come down to our showroom and see our selection for yourself, we’re in the second stall past the hummus cart and if you hit Crazy Abdul’s Electronics Emporium then you’ve gone too far. We’re cracking down on local dissidents and passing the weapon’s-grade savings on to you. Call today!
A Quiet Christmas at Home with the Family, Starring Tiger Woods & Elen Nordegren
(ABC Prime Time)
This special has been canceled and replaced with:
Tiger Woods’ Yuletide After Dark
(Spice Network pay-per-view)
Join host Tiger Woods for this hastily arranged special, which was filmed entirely on his 155-foot luxury yacht, Privacy, while moored in international waters. Tiger, clad only in a velvet smoking jacket and silk boxers, lounges on pillows and soft furs surrounded by a menagerie of surgically enhanced strippers, cocktail waitresses, and aspiring actresses, all of whom are vying for the chance to be chosen as “Mrs. Tiger Woods” for the evening. What does Tiger look for in a lady companion? Gullibility, limberness, and above all a basic unfamiliarity with the mechanics of swinging a golf club (or a baseball bat, hockey stick, tennis racket, lacrosse stick, cricket bat, or good-sized log found on the ground). Which of these lovely ladies with Tiger choose? Answer: All of them, of course, as well as the several dozen other skanks whom Tiger has been sexting over the course of the show.
Joe Lieberman’s Holiday Season Buzzkill
(Washington Journal, C-SPAN)
Brian Lamb, C-Span: We’re here today with Senator Joe Lieberman from Connecticut, who today announced an historic piece of legislation. Can you tell us about it, Senator?
Joe Lieberman: That’s right, Brian. During this season of joy and happiness for people of all faiths and creeds, it is important to remember that the holiday season can also be a time of hidden hazards and dangers. With this fact in mind, I am proud to announce my sponsorship of HR4245: The Holiday Safety for America Act.
Lamb: So let me see if I understand this. If this bill becomes law, it would make Christmas and Hannukah illegal?
Lieberman: No, no, no. Absolutely not. There’s no ‘death panel’ for Saint Nick or anything of the sort. (laughs) That’s just the scare-mongering of so-called progressive bloggers, though why they’re called that is a mystery to me since there’s nothing progressive about them. No, the bill would simply remove some of the more dangerous activities common to the holidays — the ‘public option,’ if you will — but the spirit of the holidays would remain the same.
Lamb: So it would ban Christmas lights?
Lieberman: Electrical hazard.
Lamb: Holiday parties?
Lieberman: Drunk driving hazard.
Lamb: Scented holiday candles?
Lieberman: Fire hazard.
Lamb: Secret Santas?
Lieberman: Security hazard.
Lamb: Even dreidels?
Lieberman: Choking hazard.
Lamb: So let me ask you, Senator, does sponsoring this legislation make you feel like a Grinch?
Lieberman: Not at all.
Lamb: A Scrooge?
Lieberman: Absolutely not.
Lamb: An all-around nudge?
Lieberman: Maybe a little.
Lamb: Well, there you have it. Senator Lieberman, thank you for joining us, I know you have a busy schedule pissing all over the hopes and dreams of the American people.
Lieberman: It’s my pleasure, Brian.
Photo: Joe Lieberman is laughing at you puny, uninsured mortals.