Name That Embittered Comedian

Which aging, household name comedian has been giving a series of surreal, combative interviews in which he/she disparages the competition and just generally wallows in endless bitterness and self pity? Which comedian said these words in reference to his/her own current status as a has-been lightweight: “But that’s America for you. America wants the mediocre. It doesn’t want the heroic or the moral.”

Need more hints?

Here are some of his/her assessments of the competition:
Jay Leno, Dave Letterman: neither could do what he/she does
Dave Letterman: terrible as a stand-up
Robin Williams: tells C-level jokes
Tom Hanks: terrible as a stand-up
Michael Keaton: a terrible comedian
Jim Carrey: embarrassing. “He didn’t know where to go with that broad, overplayed action that he has. He could really look stupid.”
Katie Couric: should never have been an anchor (he/she does approve of Barbara Walters)
Conan O’Brien: an example of television’s tendency to “promote people until they reach a point at which they’re incompetent” (now them’s some fightin’ words)
Bill Clinton: ruined the presidency with his mediocrity
Young Comedians These Days: potty mouthed, lazy, unschooled, mediocre. Oh, and the ultimate insult is that they drink water during their sets. George Burns never needed to take a drink of water during his act.
America’s Young People: “Spoiled brats.” Rude, discourteous, drunken, loutish, entitled (he/she does have a point there)
His view in a nutshell: “I’m just bored to death and unimpressed with Hollywood and our country, on top of being bitter I’m bored and unimpressed.”

Still can’t get it? Well, this comedy colossus has an impressive list of accomplishments, which he/she is not shy about sharing.

  • Invented the one man show on cable
  • “I was the first one to allow a projectile to come off of the stage and onto the audience.”
  • Invented the mosh pit
  • Inspired the invention of splash rides at amusement parks
  • Blazed the trail for followers as varied as Blue Man Group, GWAR, and Insane Clown Posse (might want to leave that one off the ole Curriculum Vitae).

Now you’ve got it, right? Of course, the moral, heroic, under-appreciated comedic genius in question is none other than Gallagher. Yes, that Gallagher, that heroic smasher of watermelons, that moral flinger of fruit, that courageous prop comic. Seems that the dude is a little pissed off. And, it seems, he is not afraid of saying so. Now I have (or had) fond memories of Gallagher from Johnny Carson in the seventies. This was before all the watermelon smashing, if you can believe there was such a time. He would come out, say, “Never let your mama brush your hair when she’s mad at your daddy,” then take off his little cap and underneath he was bald. Ha ha ha. Funny to an eleven-year-old. But for this guy to disrespect Conan O’Brien is like Weird Al Yankovic talking trash about Hendrix or the Beatles.

Now as for Black Gallagher, that guy really is a genius.

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