Dick versus the Asteroid

How deeply unpopular is Dick Cheney? So deeply unpopular that mustachiod wingnuts called upon to defend his speech are reduced to imagining doomsday scenarios out of action movies to create a situation where his deeply serious skillset finally gets the respect it deserves: “As a friend succinctly puts it, “When that big asteroid finally heads toward Earth, who’s the person you’d most want to be in charge?” I suspect Cheney would score at or near the top.”

Well, you can’t throw down a satirical gauntlet like that and not expect a ribald riposte or two, and sure enough Sadly No! rises to the occasion by imagining a parallel timeline (a counterfactual history, if you will) where Dick Cheney actually did win the 2008 presidential election and where he did deal with an asteroid assault during the first year of his presidency!

On October 15, 2009, a small asteroid crashed into a rural area of Wyoming, killing 2,000 people in a small town and leaving a massive crater 60 miles wide in the ground. President Richard Cheney, who was just awakening from a nap in his underground White House lair, was informed of the crash by Chief of Staff Alberto Gonzales, who the day before had handed him a memo from NASA with the headline “Asteroid hurtling toward the United States.”

“That damned space rock has just assaulted my home state!” Cheney snarled. “Nobody could have predicted this would happen!”

Cheney called a press conference later in the day and urged Americans to show strength and resolve in the face of this unprecedented assault on the Heartland.

“Asteroids are evil rocks,” said the president. “We do not negotiate with evil rocks; we defeat them.”

Read on, IF YOU DARE!

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