Last Christmas, Ye Olde Kamper brought you a collection of less-than-successful holiday specials in a post entitled Least Likely Christmas Specials (inspired by John Scalzi’s 10 Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time).
Last year’s batch included:
- The Five Stages of Christmas: A Kübler-Ross Holiday Special
- Alexander Solzhenitsyn’s Christmas Comes to the Gulag
- Unreal Tournament Yuletide Death Match
- Larry Birkhead’s Paternity Test Christmas
- I’m Dreaming of a White (Power) Christmas, and
- Sweatshop Christmas
You’ll be happy to learn that the HVNH editorial team has been scouring our voluminous Christmas archives to come up with an all new list. So without further adieu, allow me to present:
More Least Likely Christmas Specials
A Blagojevich Fucking Christmas
Hey douchebag, it’s me, Rod Blagovich, Democratic governor of Illinois. Welcome to my Christmas special. Now we all know that Christmas is the season of giving, and I’m prepared to play ball if you are, as long as you’re not with the Chicago Cubs or those assholes at the editorial page of the Tribune.
Now as to the whole gift-giving thing. As a matter of fact, I got some real good gifts I’m willing to give, some very fine gifts indeed, but I can’t be expected to just give them away for nothing. These are valuable gifts, you unnerstand? These gifts are golden.
What’s that you say? Gifts should be free? Free?! Let me see if I got this straight. I give you these gifts — remember, these are some very valuable gifts — and all I get in return is your fucking appreciation?! That ain’t gonna happen. Not for these gifts.
Nice fucking holiday you got here, I’d hate for anything to happen to it.
— Goddamit Rod, is that those fucking ingrates again?
Hey everyone, it’s my lovely wife, Illinois’ first lady, Patti Blagojevich!
— Are you tellin’ me that these people expect gifts just because it’s Christmastime?! Well, fuck ‘em. You hold that shit up until we get some fucking yuletide support. And a Thank You card ain’t gonna cut it, not by a fucking long shot.
Nicely put, M’lady. Well, folks, you heard her. We’d like to give some gifts here, they’re all wrapped up nice with a big fucking bow on top, but, I’m sorry, I’m just not feeling the holiday spirit. So if you don’t want to play, just say so, because I can just as easily keep these gifts for myself.
Let me know when you’re ready to get serious about this shit. And have a very Merry Christmas, fuckface.
Methadone Christmas with Amy Winehouse
‘allo to all you geezers out there in, like, ra’ioland. Welcome to my very own Christmas type special. It’s me, Amy Wine’ouse, fresh from a firty day ‘oliday in ‘ospital and all prepared, like, to bring you . . . to bring you . . .
Psst, psst, Amy, wakeup.
— Huh! Right. It’s me, Amy Wine’ouse, fresh out of firty days in re’ab and rea’y to give you all a li’l Christmas cuddle. I haven’t got any, like, plan laid out for vis special, I just fought I’d, you know, wing it. First of all, I’d like to fank our sponsor, The Priory Clinic in London, you guys are the best and fanks for lettin’ me keep the dressin’ gown, it really do look posh on me . . . and I’d also like to fank . . . to fank . . .
Amy, Amy, wakeup Amy!
— So fanks to our sponsors and, um, the other fing I want to say is don’t believe all the shite you read in the papers, right? The papers is all, oh, Amy said wot? Amy punched o’o? Amy spit on where? Don’t believe it. I’m such a loving, maternal person so don’t believe the bleedin’ wankers.
Now I’d like to do a song now from my new album. It’s enti’led . . . it’s enti’led, um, well, actually I can’t recall the name right at the moment but it’s a good one, innit, it’s taken from, like, it’s taken from my own personal experience and everyfing. It’s about wakin’ up on the kitchen floor in a pool of your own sick. Is the band ready?
Amy, we don’t have a band. We’re in a radio studio.
I’ll just do it acapella.
Before I do, can’t I get a drink, please? No? ‘ow about some Special K? A bump? A speedball? Anyfin’?
No? What kind of shite Christmas is vis?
Bernard Madoff’s Ponzi Scheme Hanukkah
I’m excited that you’ve decided to take advantage of this rare and highly lucrative investment opportunity, the Bernard L. Maddoff Annual Hanukkah Fund. Allow me to briefly explain how the scheme, er, I mean unique investment program works.
On the first day of Hanukkah, you will give me your initial investment (minimum: $25,000) in the form of a cashier’s check or direct wire transfer.
On the second day of Hanukkah, I will return your initial investment along with 20% profit, just for taking part in our investment club. OR, you can choose to keep your money in the fund for even greater returns.
On the third day of Hanukkah, for those who kept the money in the fund, I will return your principal along with a 30% profit. OR, you can choose to keep your money in the fund to earn even greater returns.
On the fourth day — well, you probably get the idea by now. The point is that if you keep your money in the Hanukkah Fund for the full eight days, you will receive an astounding 80% return on your investment. No, wait, forget what I just said about 80%, that’s just not enough of a return for my valued investors. For a limited time only, if you invest $25,000 in the fund and keep it there for all eight trading days, you will receive a 100% return on your money. Now where else can you get those kinds of returns (outside of Nigeria, that is)?
Many people ask how we can offer such generous and remarkably steady returns. Suffice it to say that our fund is based on a sophisticated investment model called Securitized Collateral Arbitrage Management, which pools your money with that of other marks, er, I mean other investors and puts it to work in the highly lucrative derivatives market. I’m sure a seasoned investor such as yourself would have no trouble at all understanding our strategy, but I can’t give you the specifics because the SCAM program is highly proprietary. But the results certainly speak for themselves.
So hurry up, investors, because just like Hanukkah, The Bernard Madoff Hanukkah Fund comes around only once a year.
And please, tell your friends.
Bailout Ben’s Year-End Distressed Asset Blowout Sale
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUUUUUUUUUUUNDAY!!!
ONE DAY ONLY!
I’m Bailout Ben Bernanke, head of the US Federal Reserve (a wholly owned subsidiary of the People’s Republic of China) here to invite you to COME ON DOWN to our Year-end Distressed Asset Blowout Sale being held this Sunday.
When was that?
Everything must go!! We’ve got T-Bills at pennies on the dollar. We’ve got 28-day bank loans, we’ve got 84-day bank loans, we’ve got distressed assets of all stripes at once-in-a-lifetime fire-sale prices!
Our prices — as well as our fiscal policies — are INSAAAAAAAANE!!
When was that sale?
I can’t hear you!
You say you want your very own investment bank? We’ve got half a dozen in stock right now. Or maybe you want something a little smaller, say a nice, mid-sized regional bank? We’ve got those too — all at incredibly low, low, low prices.
When is that sale?
So COME ON DOWN. We’ll have hot dogs and popcorn, plus jugglers and pony rides for the kiddies. It’s fun for the entire family!
These are deals you can take to the bank, or my name’s not Bailout Ben Bernanke! (Actually, on second thought, maybe best to stay away from the banks for a while.)
When was that sale?