Begging My Pardon

Reports are that President Bush is being flooded with requests for presidential pardons, so if you have committed any serious offenses over the last eight years and are a major Republican campaign donor, you’d better get your request into the Justice Department toot sweet before all the good pardons are used up! I’ve already sent my request in.

What Do I Need Pardoning For?

  • DaVinci Code has been overdue at library since 2002.
  • Still use student ID for movie discounts though it expired in 1988.
  • Took tax deductions on meals that weren’t business-related.
  • Haven’t paid for HBO since Sopranos finale.
  • That story about me rescuing Kate Winslet from a burning car and then her showering me with grateful kisses? Total fiction.
  • Ritualistically murdered 27 people in a tri-state killing spree.
  • Sometimes forget to bring my own bags to grocery store and have to use disposable.
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