Another day, another Loyal Bushie in hot water for running a department of the US federal government like Tammany Hall on meth. This time around it’s Monica Goodling, graduate of Messiah College and Pat Robertson’s Regent University Law School, and flunkie to Alberto Gonzales at an out-of-control Department of Justice. While at Justice, Monica was given unprecedented authority over staffing decisions, including the hiring and firing of all political appointees aside from US attorneys (who are appointed directly by the President).
How’d that work out? Not so great, it turns out. According to the DOJ’s own internal report released last week, Monica used an, um, innovative set of questions when interviewing applicants, including: “What is it about George W. Bush that makes you want to serve him?”, “Aside from the President, give us an example of someone currently or recently in public office who you admire?”, and, simply, “Why are you a Republican?” Monica, you see, wasn’t just looking for Republicans, she was looking for that rare candidate who was, according to her own testimony, “Republican enough.”
We can sympathize, though, because what’s a girl supposed to do when she has more positions to fill than Regent University Law School has graduates? It’s not always easy to separate the independently minded from the servile toadies you’re seeking, especially when direct questioning about specific political beliefs and affiliations may be impolite, improper, or illegal.
So, as a public service for other Bush Administration officials responsible for hiring decisions, we present the following guide. Use it to oh-so-subtly suss out the hidden political views of potential hires.
The Monica Goodling Super-Secret Guide to Interviewing Potential Job Applicants
Question 1. How old is the earth?
Acceptable answers: 6,000 years old; Don’t know/don’t care.
Unacceptable answers: Anything over 10,000 years; Any answer that includes the word paleontology; “Why do you ask?”
Question 2. What is your favorite book?
Acceptable answers: the Bible; Don’t know/don’t care; Any book in the Left Behind series (except Book 10: The Remnant, where, let’s face it, LeHaye/Jenkins were just coasting)
Long List: (alphabetical by author) The New American Militarism by Andrew Bacevich;The Prosecution of George W. Bush for Murder by Vincent Bugliosi; Imperial Life in the Emerald City by Rajiv Chandrasekaran; Against All Enemies by Richard Clarke; Torture and Truth by Mark Danner; Broken Government by John W. Dean; America at the Crossroads by Francis Fukuyama; Cobra II by Michael R. Gordon; Secrets and Lies by Dilip Hiro; War Powers by Peter Irons; The Sorrows of Empire by Chalmers Johnson; Incoherent Empire by Michael Mann; The Dark Side by Jane Mayer; What Happened by Scott McClellan; Bush’s Brain by James Moore; The Assassins’ Gate by George Packer; American Theocracy by Kevin Phillips; Weapons of Mass Deception by Sheldon Rampton; The Greatest Story Ever Sold by Frank Rich; Fiasco by Thomas Ricks; State of War by James Risen; A War Against Truth by Paul William Roberts; Deadly Dogma by Grant F. Smith; The One Percent Doctrine by Ron Suskind; The New American Empire by Rodrigue Tremblay; and/or Imperial America by Gore Vidal.
Short List: Any nonfiction book published within the last six years.
Question 3. Do you support the repeal the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, which tragically limits totally fabulous presidents such as George W. Bush to only two terms in office?
Acceptable answers: Yes.
Question 4. If George W. Bush fought Jesus Christ for the Ultimate Cagefighting Championship, whom would you root for and why? What snacks would you purchase while attending the event?
Answer Guide: This is a bit of a trick question, as either answer is acceptable. Focus instead on the reasoning behind the answer. Is the applicant able to justify their response in a way that would stand up to, say, a Congressional hearing?
As for snack choices, we’re looking for all-American items such as popcorn, hot dogs, nachos, Twizzlers, or pretty much anything on a stick. We want to avoid ‘red-flag’ items such as yogurt, nuts (unless covered in chocolate), fruit (unless covered in caramel), granola bars, etc.
Question 5. (multiple choice) The Iraq war is going ________
B. swimmingly, under the courageous leadership of George W. Bush
C. swimmingly, under the courageous leadership of George W. Bush and in close consultation with our generals and contingent upon conditions on the ground
D. Don’t know/don’t care
Acceptable: Any of the above.
Unacceptable: Any other answer.
Question 6. (multiple choice) Global Warming/Climate Change is a _______
C. a real and ongoing phenomenon, the existence and validity of which reflects the consensus view of the overwhelming majority of scientists working on climate change issues, including the national academies of science of all major industrialized countries
D. Don’t know/don’t care
Acceptable answers: Duh!
Question 7. (multiple choice) From whence are humans descended?
A. dust, God’s breath, Adam’s rib
B. monkeys, primates
C. space aliens
D. Don’t know/don’t care
Acceptable answers: A & D