Nerve.com and the IFC have teamed up to put together their list of the 50 Worst Sex Scenes in Cinema history. First of all, it’s a little presumptuous of these writers to think they’ve witnessed the worst sex scenes of all time when I don’t recall any of them being my date for prom. The Worst list was compiled as a companion to their recent feature documenting the 50 Greatest Sex Scenes in Cinema history, which, again, comes off as presumptuous since I don’t see any of these writers with me right now as i tpyee tese wirds . . . .
(short musical interlude)
But back to the lists.
I’m sure the writers logged many long, hard hours of ‘research’ putting these lists together, so let’s mosey on over and see what they’ve managed to come up with.
First the Best-Ofs. It’s tough to argue with a lot of the choices: A History of Violence (really, either scene would have sufficed; they chose staircase over cheerleader outfit); Unfaithful (bathroom stall); Clooney and Lopez in Out of Sight; Keitel and Hunter in The Piano; the two acrobatic dolls from Team America. Likewise, much of the Worst-Of list is fairly obvious: some ridiculous coupling-on-soft-furs abomination from Alexander; the rave scene from Matrix Reloaded; the entire second half of Eyes Wide Shut (the least sexy sexy movie I’ve ever seen, though I didn’t mind watching Nicole Kidman take a leak); and I’ll just take their word on Gigli. As for Teeth, last year’s horror flick about a girl with vagina dentata, you’d be pretty safe to just go ahead and include the entire film.
But internet lists, like metric conversion charts, are made to be argued over, and, sure enough, I’ve got a bone or two to pick with the choices here. First of all, on the Worst-Ofs list, where in the hell is In the Realm of the Senses? I sat through that thing in college and I’m still getting over it. And another thing. Why aren’t Anakin and Padme nestled comfortably among the Worst-Ofs where they so obviously belong? Okay, so there was never a proper sex scene between them (thank god for small favors), but there were ‘love scenes,’ and they remain lo these long years later among the most excruciating ever committed to celluloid. The other shortcoming of the Worst-Of list is that it seems to be a combination of scenes that are embarrassing (which belong on the list) and scenes that are uncomfortable or disturbing (which do not). The strangest entry on the Worst-Of list surely must be the Hale Berry/Billy Bob Thorton couch scene from Monster’s Ball. Worst? Really? It’s intense, and it sure is heart-breaking, but worst? I don’t think so.