Local Man’s ‘Bucket List’ Consists Entirely of Sexual Acts

The ‘bucket list’ craze continues to sweep the country. Inspired by a mediocre Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman movie from last year, Americans are rushing to compile their own bucket lists — a compendium of things one wants to do before one kicks the bucket.

One local man, Jerry Bizmunth, a 33-year-old UPS driver, got into the act this week, taking the opportunity to take stock of his existence, to plumb his deepest regrets, explore his most debilitating fears, and give voice to his loftiest dreams, creating in the process a deeply spiritual document that is as much a testimony to his life’s journey thus far as it is a list of hopes for the future. Scribbled on the back of a Subway napkin during the last ten minutes of his lunch hour, Mr. Bizmunth’s bucket list consists of eight sexual acts he would like engage in before he dies (and preferably within the next six months or so).

Jerry Bizmunth’s Bucket List

  • Backdoor
  • Oriental girl
  • Black girl
  • White girl other than _____, _____, or _____. (Ed. note: names redacted for privacy)
  • Two girls (while sober this time)
  • Think it’s called the Flying Buttress?
  • Mile High Club (with a partner this time)
  • More backdoor
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4 Responses to Local Man’s ‘Bucket List’ Consists Entirely of Sexual Acts

  1. biochemistryquestions says:

    ” The bucket list” I saw was not a mediocre film. Manipulative? yes, it was, but not mediocre. (May be because I saw the movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman and not the Clint Eastwood version?)

  2. Thanks for the catch, biochemistryquestions. I can’t believe I mixed up my aging, iconographic white male movie stars!

    But your comment got me thinking, and it’s time the kamper came ‘klean’ about something. I never actually saw ‘The Bucket List’ — I based my mediocre comment on nothing more than the preview and the 40% rating the movie received on Rotten Tomatoes. Also, I overheard some guy talking about the movie once on a hike and it sounded pretty lame.

    While I’m in confessional mode, I should add that I’ve never actually played Grand Theft Auto, subject of a May 28th post. Also, I haven’t read Scott McClellan’s book (May 30), and have no hard evidence that Joe Lieberman is being held captive in Dick Cheney’s basement (May 19).

    HVNH regrets these errors.

  3. Dave C says:

    Hi Kamper – The list reminds me of a scene in a pretty cool “really good movie you’ve never heard of” – a Canadian movie called “Last Night” – the world will end at midnight. We never learn why and it’s not necessary to know – it’s just a given fact and everyone in the movie accepts it. It’s more about how people choose to spend their last night on earth – opens with a 30 old man grudgingly going to his mother’s house for christmas dinner. It’s not Christmas – it’s July, but Mom always loved Christmas – you get the idea. Once you get past the slightly different Canadian pacing and mood, etc, it’s pretty cool, in my opinion.

  4. Pingback: The Fucket List « Happy Valley News Hour

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