A shocking development today in Washington DC as federal authorities, acting on an anonymous tip, searched the residence of Vice President Dick Cheney at the Naval Observatory in Washington DC, where they discovered the real Senator Joseph Lieberman held captive in a basement crawlspace. According to initial reports, Senator Lieberman (I-CT) was abducted just after 9/11 as part of the “extraordinary rendition” program and replaced with a life-like animatronic robot.
The Lieberman robot, which was developed under a joint program by the Army Research Lab and George Lucas’s Skywalker Ranch, was initially controlled directly by Cheney, except on weekends, when the Vice President often would turn control of the four-term senator from Connecticut over to some of his oil buddies. “We had a blast with him,” Vice President Cheney told Happy Valley News in an exclusive interview. “We’d knock back a few and see what kind of mischief we could get ole Joe into this time. Did you see the one where he said that Connecticut voters who didn’t vote for him were terrorist sympathizers? That was us — lit, of course.”
In later years, control of the Lieberman robot was auctioned off to Republican campaign donors, or provided as a courtesy to visiting members of the Saudi royal family. At other times, the controller was simply left lying around the Cheney household, where it was frequently used by the staff, who enlisted the Lieberman robot to perform rudimentary household chores, pick up dry cleaning, and prepare basic meals.
As for the real Senator Joseph Lieberman, the man who emerged today from the 12 foot by 12 foot cell was dazed and slightly malnourished, but grateful for the rescue and eager to return to work. “I’ve been out of commission for the last eight years,” he said, “But the thing I’d like most right now is to get back to my job of representing the great state of Connecticut as a proud Democrat.”
When asked whether he still supported President Bush’s Iraq policy, the real Senator Lieberman asked, “What are you talking about? Did we do something in Iraq?”
(Thanks to Kathleen Fisher for the graphic.)