8 Ways to Impress the Kamper

It seems that CNBC anchor Erin Burnett is receiving a lot of guff for an article she wrote for Men’s Health entitled “8 Ways to Impress Me.” The problem? The entire list — that’s right, all 8 items — consisted of ways that would-be suitors could spend money on her.

Here is the list (this is the real, unadulterated list, by the way, the jokes, such as they are, come later):

1. Pack Your Bags. Any guy who can plan a trip to an exotic locale, such as Mongolia, Mozambique, or Papua New Guinea, would impress me.
2. Buy Me a New Atlas and Globe — You could unlock my heart by allowing me to dream up my next trip. I love to travel, and hope to eventually set foot in 100 countries. I have many more to go.
3. Do Something Special for My Parents — Family is important to me, so round-trip business-class tickets to Australia and New Zealand for my parents would earn you big points in my book.
4. Relax Me — Yoga keeps me calm, so I’d be impressed if you thought to send a yoga instructor to my apartment for private sessions.
5. Help Me Work Out
— Finding an exercise bike at my door would be great for rainy days when my Raleigh M80 mountain bike and I are stuck indoors.
6. Edify Me –Reading is a passion of mine, so a gathering with a couple of my favorite authors, especially Jared Diamond (Guns, Germs, and Steel) and Robin McKinley (The Blue Sword) would make for an exceptional evening.
7. Please My Palate –Hiring a personal chef to prepare meals for the few nights a week I am home would be unforgettable.
8. Send Me Packing –A man who recognizes the importance of my time with the girls is a keeper. A long weekend spa getaway for my sisters and me would be perfection.


In the spirit of Erin Burnett, the Kamper has compiled a list of things that the ladies could do to impress me. I’ve used some of hers and come up with a few of my own. (Don’t get the wrong idea though, ladies — this list is strictly for educational purposes; Mrs. Kamper is the only one I kamp with!)

1. Pack Your Bags — Take me on an exciting adventure to an exotic destination: Agawam, Belchertown, Longmeadow, East Longmeadow, West Agawam. The possibilities are endless.
2. Buy Me a New Atlas and Globe — Actually, you can forget about the globe. I mean, where would I put the damn thing, in my teak-paneled office between the antique blunderbuss and stuffed warthog? But I could use a new atlas — a road atlas, that is. The old one is so outdated it doesn’t include the Louisiana Purchase.
3. Relax Me –Geez, do I need to spell it out for you?! I got stress over here — and the yoga just aint cutting it!
4. Edify Me –Just like Erin, reading is a passion of mine, but you’re going to have a hard time gathering up my favorite author, since L. Ron Hubbard is already dead. But it would impress me if you read through all ten volumes of his Mission Earth series — and no skipping Volume 7: Voyage of Vengeance or especially Volume 9: Villainy Victorious!
5. Please My Palate –Fix me up some Sloppy Joe. And don’t go trying to serve it up on plain old bread — go buy some some buns, for heaven’s sake. Show some class, woman! (Note: Tacos also acceptable.)
6. Stop by with some bubbly! That’s right, ladies, the Kamper likes his bubbly — seltzer, that is. So mosey on by with some Black Cherry Polar Seltzer and the Kamper definitely will be impressed. (Hint: Big Y has 12 packs on sale.)
7. Laugh at my jokes. All of them. Even if you’ve heard them before. Which most likely you have.
8. Volunteer for something or other. Look, this isn’t all about me. There are other people in this world, and some of ’em may be down on their luck. So go and help out some refugees or homeless or something, especially if you can look like this while you’re doing it. Just don’t let it interfere with Sloppy Joe night.
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