Doping Scandal Rocks Ultimate Frisbee — Report Alleges Use of Performance-Mellowing Drugs

On a day when Major League Baseball was responding to the Mitchell report on steroid usage, which alleges “a serious drug culture within baseball, from the bottom to the top,” the normally copacetic world of Ultimate was dealing with its own burgeoning doping scandal. “We’ve received credible reports that many Ultimate players regularly indulge in performance-mellowing drugs,” said Misha “Hootch” Rebecky, president of the Intercollegiate Ultimate League. “Such imbibing may be occurring before matches, certainly after matches, even, shockingly, during matches.”

Critics allege that the use of these performance-mellowing drugs may allow players to achieve the preternaturally mellow mental state necessary to excel at Ultimate. Rebecky said, “We’ve had reports — anecdotal, granted — of players using these drugs to actually create an ‘holistic communion’ with the disc, effectively allowing them to predict where that disc will be at a future point in time. I know this information may blow your mind, but I swear it’s 100%, like, true.”

Nonetheless, Rebecky urged caution until the report could be fully investigated to determine whether its allegations are schwag or indeed the Chronic. “Obviously, this news is a harsh toke of reality for the Ultimate community, and we intend to investigate it rigorously.” In fact, Rebecky revealed that he had already formed an exploratory committee that would meet this weekend to go over the report in detail while listening to the Grateful Dead live at the Filmore West 4/15/70 or possibly from the Maples Pavilion 2/9/73.

frisbee2.jpg

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Humor, Original Content. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Doping Scandal Rocks Ultimate Frisbee — Report Alleges Use of Performance-Mellowing Drugs

  1. Anonymous says:

    Omg this is awful O:

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s