On a day when Major League Baseball was responding to the Mitchell report on steroid usage, which alleges “a serious drug culture within baseball, from the bottom to the top,” the normally copacetic world of Ultimate was dealing with its own burgeoning doping scandal. “We’ve received credible reports that many Ultimate players regularly indulge in performance-mellowing drugs,” said Misha “Hootch” Rebecky, president of the Intercollegiate Ultimate League. “Such imbibing may be occurring before matches, certainly after matches, even, shockingly, during matches.”
Critics allege that the use of these performance-mellowing drugs may allow players to achieve the preternaturally mellow mental state necessary to excel at Ultimate. Rebecky said, “We’ve had reports — anecdotal, granted — of players using these drugs to actually create an ‘holistic communion’ with the disc, effectively allowing them to predict where that disc will be at a future point in time. I know this information may blow your mind, but I swear it’s 100%, like, true.”
Nonetheless, Rebecky urged caution until the report could be fully investigated to determine whether its allegations are schwag or indeed the Chronic. “Obviously, this news is a harsh toke of reality for the Ultimate community, and we intend to investigate it rigorously.” In fact, Rebecky revealed that he had already formed an exploratory committee that would meet this weekend to go over the report in detail while listening to the Grateful Dead live at the Filmore West 4/15/70 or possibly from the Maples Pavilion 2/9/73.