College Student Acting Like Dick Ever Since Reading Atlas Shrugged, Friends Report

Brian Kitchener, a 20 year old sophomore at the University of Massachusetts, has been acting like a real dick ever since reading Atlas Shrugged, his friends and family report. Considered Ayn Rand’s masterpiece, Atlas Shrugged was published in 1957 and lays out in a fictional format the principles of Rand’s Objectivist philosophy. Brian reportedly read the novel for an English class, “Philosophy as Literature.”

One of Brian’s friends, Greg Kunst, said, “Look, I don’t know what Atlas Shrugged says because I’ve never read it, but whatever it says turned him into a real tool, and I don’t mean a tool of the state.” When asked to elaborate, Mr. Kunst said, “The other day I asked him for five bucks to buy beer and he told me that I was a leech on the fruit of his labors.”

Brian recently broke off contact with another friend, Kip Talbot, because Kip is undecided on a major. “He denounced me because my life lacks a consuming passion,” Mr. Talbot said. “He told me that I’m trapped by my own victimhood and afraid to embrace my own autonomous power as an individual.” According to Mr. Talbot, Brian himself was undecided on his major until this semester, but no longer. “Brian has decided he’s going to be an industrialist, with a minor in railroading.”

And those aren’t the only radical changes Brian has made in his life since reading the book. Last week, he broke up with his girlfriend of 14 months, Amanda Criss. “He told me I was no Dagny Taggart,” she said. Ms. Criss, who read Atlas Shrugged in high school, retorted, “Okay, so maybe I’m no Dagny Taggart, but I can tell you that Brian is no John Galt. Industrialist?! He doesn’t even have a job!”

Brian’s parents have been similarly baffled by his recent behavior. “He told us we’d been hoodwinked by mysticism because we go to church every Sunday,” his father, Bill Kitchener Sr., said. “And when his mother started crying he said she was irrational and a slave to her emotions. He’s got his mother so worked up I’ve got half a mind to stop paying his tuition and his living expenses and his monthly stipend and his credit card bill. Then maybe we’ll see how rational he is!”

When contacted for comment for this article, Brian replied with a single-spaced, 65 page treatise justifying his recent behavior as necessary and indeed virtuous, while condemning the moral and ethical depravity of his critics, whom he called “the sucker fish of the capitalist system.”

Ayn Rand.jpg
Photo: Ayn Rand, author of Atlas Shrugged and purported cause of Brian Kitchener’s recent dickish behavior
Source: Britannica Student Encyclopedia, September 13, 2007.

This entry was posted in Humor, Original Content. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to College Student Acting Like Dick Ever Since Reading Atlas Shrugged, Friends Report

  1. Pingback: Atlas Shagged « Happy Valley News Hour

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s