Monster Universal

Did you know that nearly all cultures feature some variation of the vampire myth? Did you know that the notion of flesh-eating zombies dates back to one of humanity’s earliest written texts? Or that werewolves are even older, dating back to cave drawings from 14,000 years ago?

So, does this prove that all of these myths have some basis in reality? Naw, only that humans have always been really good at scapegoating the most defenseless members of our community when things get dicey. Also, we’ve only recently figured out the whole infectious diseases thing, and on top of that we are quite adept at defending and propagating ideas that really make no sense whatsoever. Put them all together and you get witch burnings, or alien visitations, or the Virgin Mary on a tortilla, take your pick.

More here: 6 Popular Monster Myths (That Prove Humanity is Doomed).

And here is more on why smart people believe weird things.

Our Favorite Halloween Candy? Snickers. Little Demonic Snickers.

Earlier this week, a blogger at Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network hopped aboard the Crazy Train and rode that iron horse all the way to Bakersfield. In the post (since removed but lovingly preserved for posterity here), a writer named Kimberly Daniels warned Christians of the dangers of Halloween. Did she warn kids to beware of strangers? Of traffic? Of tooth decay? Of potential stomach-aches? Au contraire, nothing so mundane for the CBN. Kimberly instead warned parents to beware of demonic Halloween candy.

During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

. . .

Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference

Demonic possession?! And to think the whole time I thought that was nougat!
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Update: Here is Sadly No!’s take on the same post.

Jigsaw on Hold

Jigsaw, the exceptionally well organized serial killer from the Saw series, discusses his pending order with customer service.

“No, no, you don’t understand, that’s not going to work. You guys promised me this order would be ready . . . no, don’t tell me about back-orders, I’ve got a schedule to keep. I need those bear traps . . . no, the ones you sent were just regular old bear traps. I need reverse bear traps. Reverse. Yeah, they open outward. Why? Don’t worry about why, just send ‘em! And I still am waiting for that scrap metal, all three tons of it. I also need fifteen gallons of hydrochloric acid, three canisters of nerve gas, four coils of razor wire — are you writing this down? — a bakers dozen of rusty saw blades, extra rusty this time, a couple of Bunsen burners, plus maybe, oh, say two thousand infected hypodermic needles . . . No, I need all of it. ALL of it. It’s all interconnected, don’t you see?

Do you know how many balls I’ve got in the air at the moment? Do you have any idea of how much logistical planning goes into kidnapping eight complete strangers (or are they?), drugging them, transporting them to my lair, chaining them up, fitting them in various sadistic torture devices, then keeping them drugged so they’ll wake up precisely on time only to go on to either die horribly due to their own capriciousness or survive as a shattered hulk but finally able to appreciate the rare and precious gift that all life is? Well, do you? And now you’re telling me that my cattle prods are not going to be here on time?! This is entirely unacceptable. Rest assured that this will all be mentioned in my scathing Yelp review.

What is your name? How is that spelled? Is that with a t or . . . okay, I’ve got it. Well, I hate to say it, because I’ve been a customer of yours since before there was a single sequel, but I just may need to take my baroque industrial torture business elsewhere . . . well that’s more like it. Tuesday, you say? You can guarantee that? Morning or afternoon? Let me look at my organizer. It looks like it’ll have to be afternoon because I’ve got something in the morning — I’ve got to record a cassette tape that will be coated in wax and sewed into the stomach of a petty criminal who will be found dead in a room where another ostensibly unrelated man (actually his bastard son) will be chained to a radiator and will need that cassette because it provides the combination to the safe that contains the key to the lock that binds him to the radiator, all before he’s killed by electrocution, but I should be free by noon. Okay, that’ll work . . .”

The Happy Valley View

Here’s another clip from the Happy Valley News Hour, from summer 2007. This is Alexander Dreier’s commentary, the Happy Valley View. In this segment, Alexander takes on the endless renovations to the Route 9 bridge. I know all valley residents remember those days with fondness.

And the Golden Teabag Goes to . . .

From the land beyond parody comes news that Rep. Tom Price (R-GA) and 75 other House Republicans have introduced a resolution “expressing gratitude and appreciation to the individuals and families who participated in the Taxpayer March on Washington on September 12, 2009.”

Presumably they’ll also be honoring the advocates for gay rights who did the same thing a few weeks ago, not to mention the Iraq war protesters.

But this is where the Republican party is right now, every minimal expenditure of energy warrants endless kudos and pats on the head. It’s like dealing with a slow child. It reminds me of one of my favorite lines from Annie Hall:

Alvy Singer on Hollywood: “What’s with all these awards? They’re always giving out awards. Best Fascist Dictator: Adolf Hitler.”

[Props=TBogg]

‘Blonde Rehab Wig’ Meet ‘Green Guy’

Edith Zimmerman tracks down the 15 funniest knockoff (read: copyright-infringing) Halloween costumes. See the “Boxing Promoter” and “Eurasion Traveler” below. Other favorites are the “Green Guy” (not to be confused with the Jolly Green Giant), “Blond Rehab Wig,” and the priest outfit that doubles as Cyber Man (who bears a striking but hopefully non-actionable resemblance to Neo from the Matrix). See the rest here.

[Props=Videogum]

Where You Least Expect Him

Okay, it’s yesterday’s news as we’ve all moved on to the next manufactured pseudo-event, but some of these Balloon Boy Photoshops are pretty funny.

One Letter Off

The twitterers are playing a movie game called One Letter Off. You know, like Apocalypse Nom or It’s a Wonderful Lime.

Here are some of mine, in no particular order:

Glade Runner
Children of Ben
Raiders of the Lost Arm (as in the appendage)
Raiders of the Lost ARM (as in the mortgage)
My Sinner with Andre
What Creams May Come
Aguirre: the Wrath of Mod (sequel to Quadrophenia)
The Bids are Alright (the Sotheby’s Story)
Planet of the Apps
Annie Mall
The Tirds
Pear Window
Girth of a Nation
Blazing Paddles
Look Goth Ways
Meat Streets
Raping Bull
The Zen Commandments
Tape Fear
Hashville
Donnie & Clyde
The Mild Bunch
The Seventh Meal
Fight of the Living Dead
Night of the Living Head
Night of the Living Deed
Pulp Diction
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More are here. One I wish I’d thought of is Faygo (the new black comedy from horrorcore duo of Joel “Shaggy 2 J” Coen and his brother Ethan “Violent E” Coen). Also Pilates of the Carribean.

Play Her Off, Musical Feline

Keyboard Cat, is there any awkward, borderline racist faux pas that you can’t make all better?

[Props=Warming Glow]

The Conservative Horror, The Conservative Horror

I’m headed into Boston tonight with my special lady to catch Improv Boston’s annual Halloween show, Gorefest, so I don’t have time to respond to every bit of idiocy on teh internet this morning, but I couldn’t let this particular entry pass uncommented-upon. Over at Clownhall, John Hawkins asks the rhetardical question:

Halloween is almost upon us and you’re probably thinking, “Gee, wouldn’t it be great to kick back on the couch and rent a few conservative horror flicks for the big night?”

Why no I wasn’t. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a “conservative horror flick.” In fact, the very notion of a horror movie being conservative seems absurd, almost like choosing the best conservative rock and roll songs. Oh wait.

But if you stop and think about it, one could make the argument that certain horror movies are inherently ‘conservative,’ though it’s not a school of conservativism that most white bread Republicans would care to embrace. Most slasher pics, for instance, are driven by violently reactionary views toward sexuality and teen sexuality in particular (i.e., anyone who has sex will soon be on the business end of a knife, axe, chainsaw, or garden weasel), the same way that most monster movies reduce existence to the Hobbesian basics.

One could make such arguments, but Hawkins can’t be bothered to do anything of the sort. Instead, he lists a hodgepodge of ten entirely unrelated movies, which qualify as conservative because, well, because he says so, even if those reasons directly contradict each other.

Cloverfield is conservative because “the military was in the thick of the action, bravely fighting against the Cloverfield monster and handling an impossible situation the best way they could.” But Quarantine is conservative because of its “timely and true message: Don’t count on your government in a crisis.” Okaaaaaay. Meanwhile, even though the military was directly responsible for the horror in The Mist, that’s a conservative movie as well, because . . . I don’t actually know why. John Carpenter’s The Fog is conservative because the fog of the title is visited upon a California town due to the “ignoble actions of their ancestors.” Oh, right, the ignoble actions of our ancestors, I think that’s a phrase straight out of Oakeshott. The only genuinely politically conservative movie on the list is one I haven’t seen, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, which dealt with the conflict between religious faith and rationality (or as the Onion’s Scott Tobias said, “Part courtroom drama, part otherworldly shocker, the film basically restages the Scopes Monkey Trial and comes out once more against Mr. Darrow . . .”).

Wait a minute, a false dichotomy between blind faith and reason only to come down on the side of blind faith? Now that does sound conservative.

[Props=Sadly No!]