Abby Someone. Abby Who? Abby Normal.

Another fabulous entry in the “Are You Kidding?” sweepstakes, this one from Michael Barone, writing (apparently without irony) in the usually reputable US News & World Report:

“This is similar but not identical to a point I’ve often made: that the Republican Party is the party of people who are considered, by themselves and by others, as normal Americans—Northern white Protestants in the 19th century, married white Christians more recently—while the Democratic Party is the party of the out groups who are in some sense seen, by themselves and by others, as not normal—white Southerners and Catholic immigrants in the 19th century, blacks and white seculars more recently. Thus it’s natural for the Democrats to be more fissiparous.”

At least I learned a new word from this drivel: fissiparous — divisive, tending to break into parts.

[Props=Balloon Juice]

Are You Kidding? No, Really, Are You Kidding?

Today’s example of Are You Kidding? comes courtesy of a reader, Will, who pointed us to this letter (fourth one down) to the editor of The Sun News (Myrtle Beach, SC), which is reprinted in its entirety below.

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LANGUAGE

English should be used in S.C. I agree with writer Charles Harmon that English should be the only language used for workers in South Carolina. It is the language of Shakespeare, the Bible and Horry County.

If English was good enough for Jesus, then it is good enough for me!

Chapter & Verse

Rep John Shimkus (R-IL) offers his opinion on global warming at the US House Subcommittee on Energy & Environment. By the way, this is the guy who thinks that a “compassionate monarchy” is the best form of government.

[Props=Sullivan]

The Importance of Spelling

Colombia’s security forces have foiled a plot by Marxists rebels to assassinate the country’s defense minister, in part because the guerrillas had misspelled “policia” on their repainted police motorbikes.

Ten rebels had disguised themselves as policemen and painted two motorbikes in police colours. Unfortunately, they managed to stencil the word “Policia” back to front on the bikes’ fuel tanks.

I can’t be the only one to have been reminded of this scene from Take the Money and Run.

Least Accurate Nostradamus Predictions

Throughout the ages, Nostradamus has been widely credited with predicting whatever the last major disaster was, from 9/11 to the rise of Hitler to the Great Lederhosen Crisis of 2012 (wait, that one is yet to come). But, to borrow a baseball analogy, even a .400 hitter strikes out six times out of ten, and Michel de Nostredame was no different – the 16th Century French seer had more than his share of strike-outs, balks, whiffs, foul balls, and easy pop ups. Hey, give the guy a break, he wrote nearly 1,000 quatrains, you think every single one is going to be a home run?

Take this quatrain (C6Q77), for instance:

Beside the Great Eerie Lake,
In the town known as Ville à Moteur
There will arise an Industrie devoted to the Horseless Carriage,
The pinnacle of which shall be the 1971 Ford Pinto.

So close, Nostradamus, so close! Another area where the Nos had some trouble was investment advice (quatrian C9Q56).

There shall be a great Temple built from wall and street
Where Bulls daily battle Bears.
If untold riches you would seek
Invest all your livres in Pets.com

Ouch! That’s gotta smart. And, whatever you do, don’t follow his fashion advice (C2Q25).

In mimic of the timeless sea, hemlines rise and hemlines fall
And gentlemen doth don one doublet or another to suit the times
But one accessory constant shall remain:
The codpiece shall never go out of style.

The sporting world is another realm where the Nosinator’s crystal ball could grow a bit cloudy (C9Q51).

A great contest of Sport shall come to Kongo et l’Afrique
Promoted by a man whose hair grows ever upwards.
Two men enter a Ring, each seeking belt and princely purse.
I like Foreman in the Rumble in the Jungle.

Or this one (C7Q99).

In a new city of a new land
A Great Team shall be assembled
On the Field of Elbetts they await next year.
Never shall the Dodgers leave Brooklyn.

Can anyone say awkward? Then there’s the world of technology, where the Nos-man’s record is decidedly mixed. Yes, he foresaw the Atom bomb, but he also laid this stinker (C5Q54):

Entrapped by clever Meckanism, music shall play
Though no musicians present be to strike the heavenly tune.
One device above all others delivers the noblest sound.
The ‘8 track’ it shall be named.

So take heart, Junior Prophecizers. Not even the mighty Nostradamus got it right every single time. The point is that you keep foretelling our imminent demise. One of these days you’re bound to get it right!

The Further Adventures of Michele Bachmann, Currency Cop

Good Lord, how does this woman tie her shoes in the morning?

After Tuesday’s idiocy during the Geithner/Bernanke testimony on Capital Hill, Rep Michele Bachmann (R-MN) managed to top herself in the pointlessness sweepstakes when she introduced a resolution that would bar the United States from switching from the dollar to a global currency which doesn’t exist and which no one is suggesting we adopt.

TPM has the skinny:

This comes after Bachmann questioned Tim Geithner over China’s proposal to adopt a global currency — more accurately, an exchange unit made up of a basket of individual countries’ currencies — rather than relying on the dollar as a reserve currency. You might recall that Bachmann interpreted this to mean the United states could abandon the dollar.

So is Bachmann trying to legislate against other countries and the global economy adopting different exchange mechanisms or reserve currencies? The answer is no. “She’s talking about the United States,” Bachmann spokesperson Debbee Keller told Greg Sargent. “This legislation would ensure that the U.S. dollar remain the currency of the United States.”

Scott Horton at Harper’s also comments.

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Update: This woman is the Energizer Bunny of crazy. TPM has details on her latest performance.

Update Two: The fun never stops. Today she was on Glenn Beck spouting a whole lotta crazy.

Twitter Cops

More from the jestlicious folks at LandlineTV.

“It’s just a bunch of numbers . . .”

Editor’s Note: This post is not satire.
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House Republican leaders called a press conference today to unveil their “alternative budget.”

The budget proposal is called the “Republican Road to Recovery” but it’s pretty much a single lane road. The Republican budget includes a huge tax cut for the wealthy (it would cut the maximum tax rate from 36% to 25%) and not a whole lot else. The rest of the budget proposal, which Wapo described as a “thin document,” was a ‘general outline’ to cut overall government spending except for defense and ban any additional spending for bailouts of financial companies. That’s pretty much it.

According to Huffpo:

Reporters — mainstream, liberal and conservative — greeted the Republican document with a collective scoff.

“Are you going to have any further details on this today?” the first asked.

“On what?” asked [House Minority Leader John] Boehner.

“There’s no detail in here,” noted the reporter.

Answered Boehner: “This is a blueprint for where we’re going. Are you asking about some other document?”

A second reporter followed up: “What about some numbers? What about the out-year deficit? What about balancing the budget? How are you going to do it?”

“We’ll have the alternative budget details next week,” promised Boehner.

. . .

A third reporter asked Boehner about the Republican goal for deficit reduction, noting President Obama aimed to cut it in half in five years. “What’s your goal?”

“To do better,” said Boehner.

Boehner defended the document’s lack of detail by saying, “But understand that a budget really is a one-page document. It’s just a bunch of numbers.”

So let me see I’ve got this right: House Republicans called a press conference today to release a budget that essentially consisted of the words “Cut taxes, reduce spending, and no more bailouts” written on a piece of paper.

This is what passes for an opposition party these days.

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Update: Nate Silver has a high-larious flowchart on the “Republican Road to Recovery.” Hint: One of the steps is “Eliminate Idaho, Delaware.”

Update Two: Comparing the “Republican Road to Recovery” with what would happen if The Onion put together a federal budget, Ezra Klein had this to say in the American Prospect:

Bush, famously, described his first budget by saying, “It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.” Indeed it was, and did. This isn’t. There are no numbers. Let me repeat that: The Republican budget proposal does not say how much money they would raise, or spend. The Oxford English Dictionary defines a “budget” as “an estimate of income and expenditure for a set period of time.” This is not a budget. It talks about balancing the budget but doesn’t explain how. It advocates tax cuts but doesn’t estimate their costs. It promises to cut programs but doesn’t name them.

Cautiously Optimistic

What’s this? An adaptation of a beloved children’s book that is not an abomination? If anyone can do it, it’s Spike Jonze and Dave Eggers.

Is Obama a Socialist?

From the insouciant pranksters at LandlineTV.