As part of our continuing efforts to bring our customers the highest quality humor and satire, Happy Valley News Hour is instituting new internet security measures to protect against potential identity theft, phishing, phlashing, eavesdropping, and the heartbreak of psoriasis. Please take a moment to provide answers to the following security questions (and remember to jot down your replies) so that on subsequent visits we can be sure that you are who you say you are.
1. Which of your children is least grateful for all you have done for him/her?
2. What is the name of your friend whom you would not be friends with if you didn’t work together?
3. What is your favorite hobby you’ve never taken the time to actually participate in?
4. Which bubble was the worst for you? (multiple choice)
a. Tulips
b. Tech/internet stocks
c. Housing/real estate
d. The next
5. What is your spouse’s most aggravating trait? (Attach additional pages if necessary)
6. Who was the drunkest guest at your wedding? (May include yourself)
7. How lame are you? (multiple choice)
a. Totally
b. Pretty
c. Like, not at all
d. Look who’s talking
8. What is your absolute favorite song by Einstürzende Neubauten? (It’s difficult but please choose only one)
9. Elvish or Klingon?
10. Which racial/ethnic group do you secretly dislike? (May include your own)
11. What is your favorite stamp? (multiple choice)
a. Postcard
b. First class
c. Bulk rate
d. International
12. What is your favorite element? (May include unstable or short-lived elements)
I hate those damn tulips…it forced us to move to Ireland and plant potatoes …and then that went to hell….
Not to break the sacred ‘fourth wall’ of internet satire, but this post was prompted by an actual ‘In Real Life’ experience yesterday. I was logging onto my bank account to check my ever-dwindling balance, and one of the suggested security questions was, “What is your favorite holiday sidedish?” Now, who out there likes marshmallow sweet potatoes so passionately that they will remember their answer to this question six months from now when all they want to do is make sure that the check to the babysitter is not going to bounce? Damn you, ING Direct!