Republican Three Minute Mysteries

Greetings, Junior Gumshoes!
Welcome to another edition of “Republican Three Minute Mysteries.” Join us as we put on our detective hats, pull out our magnifying glasses, and search high and low for clues to help us solve three completely new mysteries. As always, we will solve these mysteries using only our formidable powers of observation and our Republican notions of cause and effect. Now let’s get to it!

The Case of the Wrecked Room
Things were not well at the St. Vitus Hotel. It was well past midnight, and the noise coming from the penthouse had been going on for more than three hours. The front desk had received complaints from three floors below, but the staff was reluctant to intervene. The current occupant, G. Howell Wentworth III, was one of the world’s richest industrialists, having made his fortune through the development of a process that converted ordinary environmentalists into a low viscosity crude oil. Mr. Wentworth, a frequent guest at the St. Vitus, was known to be a tempestuous and capricious man who did not take kindly to intrusions, and he had gotten more than one staff member fired for offenses both real and imagined.

Finally, one of the bellboys, a new kid who figured he had nothing to lose, volunteered to investigate. Upon arriving at the penthouse door, the bellboy found the room strangely silent, and he received no answer to his persistent knocking. Using his passkey, he unlocked door and entered the room.

What he saw shocked him. The place was trashed. A room service cart has been upended in the center of the suite and its contents –- a rare steak, a whole lobster, French fries, tomato soup, a Caesar salad –- were strewn across the carpet, along empty bottles of Champagne, beer, and most of the contents of the minibar. A potted plant was overturned in the middle of the bed and the painting above the headboard had been slashed and partially torn from the wall. The floor lamp was broken in half and hung by its cord, and the television screen was smashed, possibly by the phone, which lay in pieces nearby. The toilet had been stuffed with towels and flushed, flooding the bathroom.

The bellboy noticed the figure of a man lying on the floor between the bed and wall, dressed only in soiled underpants and muttering drunkenly to himself.

“Mr. Wentworth?” the bellboy said. “Mr. Wentworth, what happened here?”

“I can ‘splain,” the man said, as he tried unsuccessfully to rise to his feet. “I can ’splain everything!”

HOW DID THE INEBRIATED INDUSTRIALIST EXPLAIN THE MESS TO THE BOLD BELLBOY?

(See Solution 1, below)
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The Case of the Counterfeit Canine
Ruby Shpank walked into the local pet store. She approached the proprietor and asked, “Is the sign out front correct? Do you have Australian Petite Bearded Terriers available?”

Ruby was a dog lover, and she particularly loved rare and hard-to-find breeds. Over the years she had owned a Norwegian Lundehund, a Zairean Basenji, a Dutch Stabyhoun – if it was furry, rare, and barked (or yodeled, in the case of the Basenji), then Ruby had owned one at one time or another. And ever since she’d read about the Australian Petite Bearded Terrier, she knew she had to have one. But finding one had proven more challenging than she’d expected. She’d spent hours over the previous weeks on the phone with top breeders, and no one could get the dog. Now here was one at the mall pet store. She could scarcely believe her luck.

“As a matter of fact, I do,” the proprietor replied. He disappeared into the back room and returned cradling what was undoubtedly the ugliest creature Ruby had ever laid eyes upon. It was scrawny and wrinkled, with a prominent overbite and small, beady eyes. But it had the breed’s characteristic rigid pointed ears and long tuft of white hair sprouting from its chin.

The price was ridiculously high but Ruby paid it without a second thought and took the dog home. Within a few days, however, she began to have doubts about the dog. It had none of the traits or behaviors typical of the breed. It refused to eat its dog food, for instance, preferring instead grubs and beetles it dug up in her garden. And it seemed averse to daylight, as well as other dogs (the feeling was mutual).

Finally, her curiosity piqued, she called her most trusted breeder to examine the animal. His verdict? Not only was it not an Australian Petite Bearded Terrier, it wasn’t even a dog! After consulting several guide books, he identified it as an Etruscan pygmy shrew with surgically altered ears and a fake goatee glued to its chin.

Furious, Ruby called the pet store owner. After reading him the riot act, she said, “Even if you had no intention of providing me with the breed I requested, at the very minimum you at least could have sold me a dog.”

“What I sold you is better than a dog,” the owner calmly replied. “Let me explain.”

HOW DID THE DUPLICITOUS DOG-SELLER EXPLAIN HIMSELF TO THE CHOLERIC CUSTOMER?

(See Solution 2, below)
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The Case of the Missing Monies
Bruce Gabinsky was midway through his workday as an account manager for an auto parts supplier when he received a troubling phone call. It was his credit card company, asking him to approve a $10,000 cash advance that he had not requested. Concerned, he called another of his credit cards, which he knew currently carried a zero balance. Instead, the card had been maxed out to its full $20,000 limit with cash advances. After canceling his credit cards, he called his bank, only to learn that his checking account was overdrawn and his savings account cleaned out. Further, a second mortgage had been taken out on his home and was currently in default. Becoming frantic, he called his 401K, which should have had a balance in excess of $350,000. Instead, it had been drained and shut down. He asked the 401K administrator to whom the disbursement check had been mailed, and the officer gave him a name that shocked him to his bones.

It was Gail, his wife of eight years.

Fearful that his wife may be involved in drugs or other nefarious activities, Bruce didn’t confront her directly, but instead hired a private investigator to follow her. A few days later the investigator reported back to Bruce that his wife spent every day at the casino, gambling huge sums almost at random on craps, roulette, and other games. While there, she ate in the best restaurants and tipped exorbitantly. Just in the two days that the investigator had observed her, she had blown through more than ten thousand dollars, without showing the slightest concern or regret.

Bruce took a day to get all of his proof in order, and the next evening he called his wife into the kitchen. The paper trail of her elaborate deception – statements, letters, receipts, bills – was laid out in orderly stacks on the table in front of her. Piece by exhaustive piece, he ran through the evidence of her betrayal, even down to the change she’d stolen from his car’s ashtray.

“Eight years ago,” he said, “I trusted you enough to put you in charge of our household finances, and you thanked me by lying, cheating, and thoroughly bankrupting us. What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Oh that?” Gail said nonchalantly as she leaned back in her chair. “I can explain.”

HOW DID THE SPENDTHRIFT SPOUSE EXPLAIN HERSELF TO HER BANKRUPTED BEAU?

(See Solution 3, below)

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Solution 1: The Case of the Wrecked Room
Abortion stops a beating heart! Thousands of innocent babies are murdered in this country every year!! How much longer must we endure this American holocaust? HOW MUCH LONGER?! And have you heard about the homosexuals? Marriage is a sacred institution between one man and one woman. Same-sex marriage is a direct assault on traditional families. The radical Left and their pro-homosexual, anti-family agenda must be stopped!

Solution 2: The Case of the Counterfeit Canine
Effective immediately, the Department of Homeland Security has raised the Terror Alert Threat Level to Orange. This means that there is currently a high risk of imminent terrorist attack. Don’t ever forget that the terrorists are out there and that they are plotting to kill you, your family, you co-workers, and everyone you know or have ever met. The terrorists can strike anywhere, at any moment. Remain vigilant at all times!

Solution 3: The Case of the Missing Money
Well Howdy-do, America! My name is Sarah (winks), and I’ll be your Vice Presidential Candidate for the evenin’. Go ahead and put those tired dogs up. That’s right, just kick back, relax, and let Ole Sarah show you some of our Alaskan hospy-tality. You betcha! Can I freshen up your drink? How about a platter of our Triple Alarm Buffalo Wings to start off? And then I’ll bring you out a nice, juicy mooseburger. Why they’re just as fresh as fresh can be! I happen to know it was shot from a helicopter only this morning. (winks)

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