Happy Valley Hoedown: Halloween Edition

Dream Syndicate, “Halloween.” Arguably the best DS song out there.

The Cramps, “I Was a Teenage Werewolf.” Lux Interior at his best.

Trick or Treat Update: Crazy Lady Giving Away Stale Peanuts Again This Year

A high placed source has confirmed that, for the seventh year in a row, the crazy lady in that one house down the street plans to give away stale, unsalted whole peanuts in the shell tonight for Trick or Treating. As was the case in prior years, the majority of these peanuts are expected to be thrown back at the house, tossed onto her driveway, or hurled at high velocity at siblings.

Despite her widespread unpopularity, Crazy Peanut Lady is not expected to be the least popular house in the neighborhood. That honor is again expected to go to Crazy Toothbrush Lady (second place) and Crazy Bible Pamphlet Lady (first place). By contrast, the most popular house award is again expected to go to Full Size Snickers Bars from a Guy Dressed as Dumbledore, down at the end of the cul-de-sac.

Developing . . .

“If McCain Gets Elected, I Swear I’ll . . .”

Along comes 23/6 to help you cultivate all of those empty threats you will be making between now and next Tuesday with their handy, “Swear To God Dude, If McCain Wins I’m Gonna…” O-tron.

Head on over and give it a spin.

Et Tu, Joe?

This is becoming painful.

Are You an Elitist?

Elitism has become one of the key issues in this year’s presidential campaign. However, given that the charges of elitism are being leveled by the candidate who owns eight houses and 13 cars, it is clear that the criteria for being an elitist is more complicated than a simple measure of net worth. Rather, it is a question of attitudes and lifestyle choices. As a service to those of our readers who may be concerned that they themselves may be elitist, Happy Valley News Hour presents the following quiz.

Are You an Elitist?
Scoring: begin with a score of zero.

1. Can you read this sentence?
A. Yes (Add 5 points)
B. No (Subtract 5 points)

2. What is your level of education?
A. Manager taught me how to use the Fry-O-Lator (Subtract 10 points)
B. Jailhouse lawyer (Add zero points)
C. Dark Mage, Level 27 (Add 3 points)
D. Graduated from some high-falutin’, fancy pants college and walk around acting all better’n you. (Add 15 points)

3. What is the cacao content of your favorite chocolate?
If you can answer this question, add 15 points.

4. Have you eaten fresh lobster more than once in the last year?
If yes, add 15 points.

5. Did you catch the lobster yourself?
If yes, subtract 50 points.

6. What percentage of your t-shirts have sleeves?
A. 0%-25% (Subtract 15 points)
B. About half (Add zero points)
C. Pretty much all of them. (Add 5 points)

7. Do you own a trucker hat?
A. Yes (Subtract 15 points, unless you are Ashton Kutcher, in which case add 1,000 points)
B. No (Add 5 points)

8. Do you own a second home?
If yes, add 50 points.

9. Is your second home your car?
If yes, subtract 75 points.

10. Can you see the ocean from your house?
If yes, add 150 points.

11. Can you smell the ocean from your house?
If yes, add 30 points.

12. Which of the following features does your house have?
A. Basement meth lab (Subtract 50 points)
B. Grow room (Subtract 10 points)
C. Staff (Add 100 points)

13. What is your favorite classical music and/or composer?
A. Hooked on Classics (Subtract 15 points)
B. Yanni/Mannheim Steamroller/Trans-Siberian Orchestra (Subtract 5 points)
C. Beethoven/Mozart/JS Bach (Add 10 points)
D. Schoenberg (Add 50 points)

14. Where do you get your news?
A. TV in the grocery check-out line (Subtract 15 points)
B. Fox News (Subtract 5 points)
C. All Things Considered (Add 15 points)
D. Democracy Now! (Add 25 points)

15. Where do you summer?
A. Same place I winter, asshole (Subtract 15 points)
B. The Compound (Subtract 10 points)
C. The Hamptons, The Vineyard, or Nantucket (Add 50 points)

Rankings:
Negative to zero points: “Enjoy the six pack, Joe”
Zero to 50 points: “Welcome to Taco Bell, may I take your order?”
51 to 100 points: “Short, Tall, Grande, or Venti?”
Above 100 points: “This way to your table, President-elect Obama”

Oh the Potassium!

Christopher Hitchens argues (persuasively) that the bailout put the finishing touches on our disintegration into a banana republic.

Now ask yourself another question. Has anybody resigned, from either the public or the private sectors (overlapping so lavishly as they now do)? Has anybody even offered to resign? Have you heard anybody in authority apologize, as in: “So very sorry about your savings and pensions and homes and college funds, and I feel personally rotten about it”? Have you even heard the question being posed? O.K., then, has anybody been fired? Any regulator, any supervisor, any runaway would-be golden-parachute artist? Anyone responsible for smugly putting the word “derivative” like a virus into the system? To ask the question is to answer it. The most you can say is that some people have had to take a slightly early retirement, but a retirement very much sweetened by the wherewithal on which to retire. That doesn’t quite count. These are the rules that apply in Zimbabwe or Equatorial Guinea or Venezuela, where the political big boys mimic what is said about our hedge funds and investment banks: the stupid mantra about being “too big to fail.”

“The Unscripted Ignoramus” — a Newly Discovered Novel from Graham Greene

From Robert Draper in GQ.

They’ve [McCain aides] held their tongue from leaking what a couple of McCain higher-ups have told me—namely, that Palin simply knew nothing about national and international issues. Which meant, as one such adviser said to me: “Letting Sarah be Sarah may not be such a good thing.” It’s a grim binary choice, but apparently it came down to whether to make Palin look like a scripted robot or an unscripted ignoramus.

[Props = Sullivan]

How’s That Thousand Year Reich Working Out, Karl?

Ah, the good old days.

From this:

. . . the once-envisioned “rolling realignment,” under which the Republican Party would add to its base of white Evangelical Protestants, bringing in Hispanics, culturally conservative African Americans, and economically vulnerable whites—those who supported Medicare Part D and opposed gay marriage in equal measure—to create a “permanent” Republican majority that would last at least a generation.

To this.

McCain’s working on the other realignment: The one where eight years of fiscal recklessness and cultural warfare alienates swing voters and withers the Republican Party until the very base of the conservative movement cracks in half—splitting a coalition that has endured since the Barry Goldwater campaign of 1964.

From Ryan Sager in Reason.

Mmmmm, good! This schadenfreude sure tastes delicious!

Looks Like He Finally Found What He’s Looking For

Photo: Daily Mail

Cindy McCain Just Like Any Other Female Human

From a little site you’ve probably never heard of called the Onion.