In light of today’s massive bailout of our country’s crumbling financial system, it might behoove us to take a moment to look on the bright side. In that spirit, please take heart in this list of things that have not gone wrong under the leadership of George W. Bush.
There hasn’t been a plague of truly Biblical proportions such as blood, frogs, locusts, incurable boils, etc. (unless one counts the Jonas Brothers).
Most of the Baldwin brothers are no longer actively involved in making motion pictures.
America is not under A solid majority of major American cities are not underwater.
An enterprising young man can still make his fortune — selling defective equipment to the US military.
You can still get a decent cup of coffee for under $4.00.
The dead have not returned to life to feast on the flesh of the living (Note to self: double check on this!!)
US inflation rate is still lower than Zimbabwe’s.
California has not literally “fallen into the ocean” (though it has burnt to a crisp a few times).
Vampirism is on the decline.
The Starland Vocal Band has not released a new studio album since 1980’s Christmas at Home. (Note: This accomplishment is mitigated by the tragic 2007 release of Captain & Tennille’s album The Secret of Christmas.)
A post-apocalyptic Road Warrior culture is not yet entirely dominant on America’s rural highways.
Our country’s human rights record is still the envy of China, Colombia, Sri Lanka, and Syria.
Americans are no longer employed overworked.
America’s energy trading, financial services, forestry and mining industries are no longer bound up by onerous, outdated regulations and reams of government red tape.
Godzilla has been dormant since 1998.
Canada is still our Special Little Buddy to the North. Thanks, Canada!
27 responses so far ↓
John // September 21, 2008 at 11:29 am |
I expected a blank post…
woody // September 21, 2008 at 11:30 am |
Infrastructure is mostly sound. Neither the Verrazano Narrows nor the Golden Gate brideges have fallen into the sea.
Blue Buddha // September 21, 2008 at 11:31 am |
Canada is still our Special Little Buddy to the North. Thanks, Canada!
That might be no longer true in the near future. They’re starting up free trade with the European Union, and there’s rumors that the EU will become more significant to Canada than NAFTA.
http://www.canada.com/calgaryherald/news/story.html?id=1196e65d-4430-4e8a-975d-97fea08a2729
Isaac // September 21, 2008 at 12:37 pm |
The Union itself it still sound: not a single state has seceded, even when it might have been in its best interest to do so.
Shannon Thomas // September 21, 2008 at 12:54 pm |
Bacon is still legal.
Jim // September 21, 2008 at 1:38 pm |
Godzilla has, in fact, attacked Japan several times since 1998, clearly a failure of the Bush Doctrine, which states that America has the right to pre-emptively attack any radioactive lizards that may be a threat to us at some point in the future.
Suspect Device: The Blog » Things That Have NOT Gone Wrong During the Bush Administration // September 21, 2008 at 9:26 pm |
[...] Happy Valley News Hour: America is not under A solid majority of major American cities are not underwater. [...]
Kristen Ferrell // September 22, 2008 at 1:34 pm |
The post-apocalyptic Road Warrior culture may not be taking over America’s highways, but they’re springing up in growing numbers all over the suburbs of Southern California. They’re generally males in their mid-40’s or older, and their attack vehicles are a little cleaner than seen in Mad Max… but they’re here. I refer to them as the “Mid-life Crisis Avengers”. They’re usually pretty tame due to the fact that they don’t want to have to explain unruly behavior to their wives at home.
(Your post was just what I needed. Thanks for making me shoot my morning coffee out my nose in laughter.)
Digital Dame // September 22, 2008 at 1:38 pm |
Prohibition hasn’t been reinstated.
Just hand over the Pinot Noir, and nobody gets hurt.
E. Michael D. ("Mike") Scott // September 22, 2008 at 1:43 pm |
Clearly a great deal of thought went into this blog, but I feel obliged to advise you that you may have missed one or two key items, as follows:
The American dream of ludicrous affluence is alive and well.
The actual voting system is still a comedy of errors.
Ben Franklin and Betsy Ross finally got married.
We have resisted every attempt to develop anything approaching a meaningful public transportation system.
There are still four seasons (at least in parts of the northeast).
The population continues to increase despite the NRA’s determined attempts to the contrary.
FUSE Weblogs // September 22, 2008 at 1:43 pm |
Hilarious!
Love it.
whosyourcustomer // September 22, 2008 at 1:45 pm |
Excellent column. However, doesn’t Palin have plans to take over Canada for oil drilling?
tread // September 22, 2008 at 1:47 pm |
Okay so now you must ask yourself: Which one of the two major candidates for the White House is more likely to let the above happen?
Dave // September 22, 2008 at 1:48 pm |
I guess Canadian bacon is still legal down there too, eh, buddy?
coryjones // September 22, 2008 at 1:49 pm |
While gas prices have skyrocketed, the cost of car air fresheners in the shape of a pine tree have remained remarkably stable.
shawn barr // September 22, 2008 at 1:51 pm |
Ha! Thanks for the laugh
Michel // September 22, 2008 at 1:52 pm |
hilarious i hope u dont mind if i post this on my blog michelmikhail.wordpress.com
and ill say i got it from here
"No Longer Mass Emailing" // September 22, 2008 at 1:59 pm |
Great post!
Just barely…”You can still get a decent cup of coffee for under $4.00.”
CTJen // September 22, 2008 at 1:59 pm |
Nicely done! I was expecting more of the “we haven’t been attacked since September 11th” BS. Good to see there’s a sense of humor out there on teh internets still.
zooeyibz // September 22, 2008 at 2:01 pm |
america is still successfully resisting that nasty, socialised concept of universal health care (all the kids in the house, without insurance, can I get a ‘whoot’?)
batguano101 // September 23, 2008 at 12:04 am |
Well Bush has not managed to stop the sun from shining.
Uh oh- this just in.
Correction- sun spot activity has stopped and output of sun energy declined during the Bush administration.
Darrin // September 23, 2008 at 1:29 pm |
Yet bush bring this country to the brink of bankruptcy because he treats it like a company that he doesn’t care what happens to it. What next you say? Mexico buy the US for a $1 or worst yet Bin Ladin does!!!
occasional fish » McCainorama // September 24, 2008 at 9:34 pm |
[...] Remind you of anybody? [...]
Susan // September 24, 2008 at 9:39 pm |
Godzilla said she prefers to be referred to by her actual name Gojira and she has been seen attacking a crumbled up piece of paper right in your own neighborhood.
Magick // October 1, 2008 at 12:37 am |
….
“It’s a Good Thing I’m in Charge” « Happy Valley News Hour // October 11, 2008 at 11:38 am |
[...] It’s true. Just imagine the things that could have gone wrong had a less steady hand been on the tiller. There’s, um, well, there’s . . . Oh hell, I already made this joke. [...]
Greg // October 2, 2009 at 8:52 pm |
I’ve got no love for Bush, but you people need to get a life and get your facts straight!