The Hilarity Ensues

From the land of highly focused humor comes LOLpalin, a blog dedicated entirely to Sarah Palin lolcats. It may seem like a highly limiting format, but sometimes it is only through strict limitations of form that genius arises. Think Shakespeare with the sonnets and Guttenberg with the Police Academy movies.

____________________________________________________

And Secret Sauce channels their inner McCain.

Charts “R” Us

Ah GraphJam, your one-stop-shop for user-submitted graphical hilarity.

Below, some favorites.

more graph humor and song chart memes

______________________________________________________

more graph humor and song chart memes

______________________________________________________

more graph humor and song chart memes

______________________________________________________

more graph humor and song chart memes

______________________________________________________

more graph humor and song chart memes

It’s ÖBAMA, It’s ÖBAMA

Props to the mad wags at Sadly No! for discovering this Obama campaign song hidden deep within the Motörhead discography.

It’s Öbama!
It’s Öbama!

(Here’s the link)

Suggested Lyrics:

Ain’t a hope in Hell,
Nothing’s gonna bring us down,
The way we fly,
Five miles off the ground,
Because we shoot to kill,
And you know we always will,
It’s Obama, it’s Obama!

Scream a thousand miles,
Feel the black-death-rising moan,
Firestorm coming closer,
Napalm to the bone,
Because, you know we do it right,
A mission every night,
It’s Obama, it’s Obama, it’s Obama…

No night-fighter,
Gonna stop us getting through,
The sirens make you shiver,
You bet my aim is true,
Because, you know, we aim to please,
Bring you to your knees,
It’s Obama, it’s Obama, it’s Obama!

Fox Versus the Hippies

In which our intrepid Fox News reporter, Griff Jenkins, learns that acting like a tool by walking the wrong way through a demonstration and shoving his microphone in people’s faces may lead to chants that are less than polite. The anchor’s response is priceless. “We’ll make sure he’s okay.” I do declare, I hope they have some smelling salts and a fainting couch on hand!

Adult Shakespeare

William Shakespeare.

Don’t recognize the name? You’re not alone. It may be hard to believe, but William Shakespeare was the most famous playwright of his day. I just looked it up and the guy wrote a total of 37 plays during his lifetime (though this includes sequels such as Henry IV, Henry V, Henry VI — dude spent a lot of time with this Henry character).

So name one. Go ahead, name a Shakespeare play. I’ll wait (and no cheating by looking it up).

Can’t do it, can you? Don’t worry, few people can these days. I mean, when was the last time one of these plays was actually performed?

It’s a sad case. Most famous playwright of his day and today he’s all but forgotten. That should be a warning to today’s great writers, such as Tom Clancy, Michael Chrichton, and Dan Brown. Yes, you are universally loved at the moment, but hundreds of years from now your popularity might begin to wane (okay, probably not for Dan Brown).

But don’t write off ‘the Bard’ just yet, because I believe there’s still some life left in the Shakespeare franchise. Sure, the language is crusty and the plots ridiculous, but there are some ripping yarns and quite a few memorable characters buried under all this high-falutin’ verbiage (what do you wanna bet this guy was paid by the word?). We all know that sex sells, right? Everyone except Shakespeare, that is. Are you aware that the word booty does not appear once in the entire Shakespeare canon? And that’s the problem: there’s nothing juicy in these plays, it’s all just talk talk talk talk.

So I’ll be updating and improving a few of Shakespeare’s plays. It will involve spicing them up, adding some much-needed sex appeal — a bit of tarting up as they say across the pond (that means England). Below are some of my working titles. I’ll have full scripts as soon as I complete my revision of Chaucer, which I’m calling Canterbury’s Hottest Tails.

Adult Shakespeare
Ass, You Like It
Henry VIII Inches
King of Leers
The Merry MILFs of Windsor
Much Ado about Spanking
Pericles, Prince of Leather
Romeo and Tiffany, the Aspiring Underwear Model
The Tempest — In My Trousers
Tite-Ass Andronicus
Two Gentlemen of Verona Go to Provincetown

______________________________________________________
Note: I swear, dear readers, that I wrote this bit of ribald yuckery before I heard about the new Steve Coogan movie.

A Suggestion for the US Gymnastics Team

There’s been a lot of talk about what the US gymnastics team will do now that the Olympics are over. Oh sure, there will be endorsement deals and national competitions, but I’d like to suggest a less glamorous but ultimately more rewarding vocation: secret agent.

Seriously, it worked for Olympic gold medalist Kurt Thomas. Shortly after the 1980 Olympics, Kurt was approached by the “Special Intelligence Agency” (the ’special’ cousin to the Central Intelligence Agency) and given an assignment to go undercover in Parmistan (the isolated, backward, mountain nation, not the isolated, backward suburb of Cleveland).

Just to raise the bar a bit higher for all of you younger gymnasts, not only did Kurt eschew fame and fortune to go deep undercover, he developed his own deadly hybrid of gymnastics and karate. The name of this new discipline? Gymkata (shouldn’t that be Gymrate?).

Anyway, they made a documentary of Kurt Thomas’s time as an undercover agent, as you can see below.

If I can give one piece of advice to all the budding gymnast/secret agents out there, make sure that the country in which you go undercover happens to have a lot of spare gymnastics equipment strewn about, so that when you are pursued by a band of angry villagers, you can effectively hold them off while practicing your spindles.

And wherever you go, beware of anti-American sentiment.

Here are the vids if the embeds don’t work.
Link 1.
Link 2.
Link 3.

Truth in Typos

From an Associated Press article discussing the potential vice presidential picks of Obama and McCain.

Read it closely to see if you can spot the Truth in the Typo.

[McCain's] top contenders are said to include Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney. Less traditional choices mentioned include former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge, an abortion-rights supporter, and Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, the Democratic vice presidential prick in 2000 who now is an independent.

Cash for Gold

A real ad, as near as I can tell. The company is real, at any rate.

[Props = Filmdrunk]

Junior Bluesman

We here at Happy Valley News have been following the recent travails of Tallan “T-Man” Latz, the eight year old bluesman. Story goes that when the boy was five he saw Joe Satriani on television. He turned to his father and said, “That’s exactly what I want to do.” And so he did.

Now it seems that some Snidely Whiplash types have started a campaign to prevent T-Man from playing in bars and taverns due to his age. His dad is working on getting the rules changed, but in the meantime T-Man might face a fine every time he slings his axe.

To make matters worse, some folks are even asking what an eight year old might have the blues about in the first place. The kamper thinks these people have forgotten the pain of childhood. And so, in a show of solidarity to T-Man, I present the following list.

Blues Themes for 8-Year-Olds

1.
I been down since I began to crawl
I been down since I began to crawl
If it wasn’t for bad Pokeman, I wouldn’t have no Pokeman at all

2.
Oh my girl they call her Miss Katy
Oh my girl they call her Miss Katy
Lord help me I’m in love with the Lunch Lady

3.
Went down to the principal’s office, fell down on my knees
Went down to the principal’s office, fell down on my knees
Asked Vice Principal Kupchek to change my homeroom please

4.
I got a burden I can’t hardly lift
I got a burden I can’t hardly lift
I’m only in third grade but Lord it feels like fifth

5.
Oh multiplication how much pain can you give?
Oh multiplication how much pain can you give?
How can the product of two negatives come out to positive?

6.
That wicked playground give me pain I can’t afford
That wicked playground give me pain I can’t afford
Burnt my thighs on the metal sliding board

7.
Got the blues so bad, can’t hardly talk
Got the blues so bad, can’t hardly talk
Bike broke down – now I got to walk

8.
Lord just strap me to a big ole NASA rocket
Lord just strap me to a big ole NASA rocket
My mama done told me we’re all out of Hot Pockets

9.
Some men like whiskey, some men like gin
I say, some men like whiskey, some men like gin
Me I ain’t happy til that Sunny D goes in

Attempt to ‘Eat Local’ Leads to More Meals at Gas Station

Never let it be said that ye olde kamper is not doing his part for the environment. I’ve been reading all about this ‘Eat Local‘ phenomenon and this week I vowed I would give it a shot. The idea is that you only eat food from your own neighborhood, so the food doesn’t have to travel as far. I don’t mean travel as far from your mouth to your stomach, I mean travel as far from the shelf to your mouth. No matter where you get the food, it still has to travel just as far from your mouth to your stomach, unless you scrunch up into a fetal position when you’re eating, but there’s only so far I’m willing to go for the environment.

Looking around at the stores in my neighborhood, I ruled out the liquor store, since if I shopped there exclusively the only things I would get to eat are potato chips and breath mints and plus I’d be shitfaced all the time. And what good would I be to Mother Earth then? Next there were the panini shop and the pizza place, both of which are class joints, but kind of expensive for every meal. Maybe I’d save those for special occasions. That left the Hess Express gas station on the corner, which turned out to be a surprisingly good choice for this project.

Let me tell you, I started to notice the health benefits of eating local right away. First of all, I had a lot more energy all the time on account of the endless supply of energy drinks at my disposal — Red Bull, Monster Energy (in the 32 ounce can), Full Throttle, Sobe Adrenaline Rush, not to mention the Hess Express 44 ounce refillable Hammer Mug, which I filled with coffee in the morning and Pepsi after lunch for that jolt I need to get me through the wee small hours of the early afternoon. Plus, my thirst was utterly obliterated by a constant stream of Powerade, Gatorade, and Propel fitness water. Another benefit of all this hydration was that after a few days the attendant gave me my very own copy of the men’s room key. No more having to lug around that big ole Santa-Clause-sized metal ring for me!

Luckily for me, this particular Hess has a Subway right inside the store, so my sandwich needs were well taken care of. Likewise dessert. I had the run of Snoballs, Donettes (which are donuts only smaller, available in powdered and crumb), HoHos, Zingers, Yodels, Funny Bones, you name it. And if I wanted groceries, the grocery aisle (okay, more like grocery shelf) was fully stocked with all the staples: baked beans, corned beef hash, beef stew, chicken noodle soup. Plus there was jerky for protein. Down the aisle they had paper plates, lighter fluid, antihistamine, and 10W30. Why had I ever gone to the grocery store in the first place?!

So in conclusion, I would recommend that all of you give this Eating Local thing a try. It’s easier than you think, and plus you’ll feel better and have a lot more energy (assuming you live near a gas station that sells Red Bull). And the best part is that you’ll be doing something good for the environment!

Photo: Local food source Hess Express