Beyond Satire, Part VI

From those wacky cutups at the Wall Street Journal editorial page comes this bit of cultural flotsam:

A cry for help goes out from a city beleaguered by violence and fear: A beam of light flashed into the night sky, the dark symbol of a bat projected onto the surface of the racing clouds . .

Oh, wait a minute. That’s not a bat, actually. In fact, when you trace the outline with your finger, it looks kind of like . . . a “W.”

There seems to me no question that the Batman film “The Dark Knight,” currently breaking every box office record in history, is at some level a paean of praise to the fortitude and moral courage that has been shown by George W. Bush in this time of terror and war. Like W, Batman is vilified and despised for confronting terrorists in the only terms they understand. Like W, Batman sometimes has to push the boundaries of civil rights to deal with an emergency, certain that he will re-establish those boundaries when the emergency is past.

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it’s not such a bad analogy. This clip does sort of remind me of the crime-fighting abilities of the current denizens of a certain Oval Office, only Bush doesn’t get to be Batman — he’s cut more from the Chandell cloth, played here by the inimitable Liberace. Commissioner Gordon would be Dick Cheney, Chief O’Hara would be Condi Rice. And Batman? That’s General David Petraeus, naturally.

Looks Like the Starbucks in My Shed Will Be Closing

I knew it was too good to be true. When the number-crunchers from corporate showed up at my door a few years back wanting to put a Starbucks in my shed, I was understandably wary.

“But there’s already a Starbucks in my neighbor’s shed,” I pointed out.

They were ready for that. “That location is serving eastbound commuter traffic,” the fellow in the crisp white shirt told me. “This location will serve westbound commuter traffic.”

“But it’s a cul-de-sac.”

“Regardless, our statistical analysis of the underlying demographics of this micro-division has pinpointed significant unmet demand. We project we could add one, perhaps even two new outlets on this street alone with no decline in same-store sales for the existing location.”

“But the street only has eight houses.”

He consulted his clipboard. “Our figures project a 20% increase in vehicular traffic on the street over the next three to six months.”

“Huh? What increase in vehicular traffic?”

He lowered his glasses. “Your neighbor is buying a new car.”

I had to admit it was tempting — I’d always hated that Old Man Whitstone got his own Starbucks while I had to cross the street for my morning brew. So I told ‘em to leave me enough room for my mower and we’d be cool.

And for several years we were. I got a free latte every day and the barista kept my garden shears sharpened to a fine silver sheen. But things took a downturn when the Dunkin’ Donuts opened in the downstairs linen closet of my neighbor’s ranch house. I knew my Starbucks was in trouble a few weeks back when the only customers all day were two chipmunks (who are jittery enough already, thank you very much) and a hung-over college student from the rental three doors down looking for breakfast at two o’clock in the afternoon.

Earlier this month, when Starbucks announced it was closing 600 under-performing stores, the writing was on the wall. Sure enough, last week Starbucks released its closure list. I don’t know if it was just spite, but I was happy somehow that they were closing not only my Starbucks but Old Man Whitstone’s as well, even though it means that I’m back to the old days of traveling a whole quarter mile for my latte.

Oh well, as Nietzsche said, what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

Photo: Starbucks Corp. has announced it will close 600 under-performing stores in the United States, including many so-called “Shed Outlets.” Analysts have alleged that Starbucks has lowered its famously rigorous standards for new locations in recent years, a charge a corporate spokesperson denies.

[Props: Thanks for Annie Rose & Violet for the coloring]

A Fraud, A Racket, A . . . Radio Host

Another debate nicely settled by a right-wing radio host. On his nationally syndicated radio show, the ever-delightful Michael Savage has weighed in on the topic of autism, calling the condition a “fraud, a racket.” He went on, “I’ll tell you what autism is. In 99 percent of the cases, it’s a brat who hasn’t been told to cut the act out. That’s what autism is. What do you mean they scream and they’re silent? They don’t have a father around to tell them, ‘Don’t act like a moron. You’ll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up. Act like a man. Don’t sit there crying and screaming, idiot.’”

Savage’s opinion garnered this priceless response from a reader called Vysotsky:

We live in a culture that coddles children and offers no support to parents who want to instill good values and discipline in them. Take my daughter for instance. Just because some pointy-headed, smartest-guy-in-the-room-type ‘doctor’ claimed that some ‘bloodwork’ proved that my girl has ‘diabetes’, do you think I took his word for it? Of course not! I told my kid to stop acting like a fool and regulate her blood sugar. After all, if she doesn’t regulate her own blood sugar with her own body, who else is going to do it — the government? I expect more from my own child. I told her to pick up those insulin levels by her own bootstraps. This is America! I’ve never felt more ashamed of her than when I discovered that she was failing miserably at her responsibility to control her own insulin production. But it was a critical moment for me as a parent: if I let her shirk the responsibility to produce hormones and regulate blood sugar for herself now, pretty soon she’ll be blaming the world for her problems, begging for handouts from taxpayers, and then before you know it she’ll be a welfare queen.

Pfff. Doctors.

Oh Larry!

Larry Craig delivers with some poorly chosen verbiage.

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Update: I was trying to remember who this little gaffe reminded me of, and then it came to me. Larry Craig is channeling Tobias from Arrested Development.

Obama Supporters Question Existence of “Satire”

First Bernie Mac and now this? How much more so-called “humor” will liberals be asked to endure through November? Actually, Obama supporters have had it easy so far, since as the New York Times points out, it’s not easy coming up with jokes about Obama. With McCain, he’s, like, old, but Obama is young, articulate, competent — not a whole lot to grab onto. By the way, have you been enjoying the comedic stylings of John McCain?

If nothing else, the New Yorker cover struck me as a sure sign that the tide has turned from Republican to Democrat, since satire like this only works against a deserving target. As for Obama, he stuck to form and did the classy thing on Larry King:

I know it was The New Yorker’s attempt at satire. I don’t think they were entirely successful with it. But you know what? It’s a cartoon, Larry, and that’s why we’ve got the First Amendment … You know, we’ve — one of the things when you’re running for president for almost two years is, you get a pretty thick skin. And, you know, I’ve seen and heard worse.

And on the satire front, I’d say Borowitz pretty much nailed it with this:

Obama Releases List of Approved Jokes About Himself
Bid to Help Late Night Comics

Saying he is “sympathetic to late night comedians’ struggle to find jokes to make about me,” Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) today issued a list of official campaign-approved Barack Obama jokes.

The five jokes, which Sen. Obama said he is making available to all comedians free of charge, are as follows:

Barack Obama and a kangaroo pull up to a gas station. The gas station attendant takes one look at the kangaroo and says, “You know, we don’t get many kangaroos here.” Barack Obama replies, “At these prices, I’m not surprised. That’s why we need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil.”

A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a farmhouse, and much to his surprise, Barack Obama answers the door. The salesman says, “I was expecting the farmer’s daughter.” Barack Obama replies, “She’s not here. The farm was foreclosed on because of subprime loans that are making a mockery of the American Dream.”

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?” Barack Obama replies, “His jockey just lost his health insurance, which should be the right of all Americans.”

Q: What’s black and white and red all over?
Barack Obama: The New Yorker magazine, which should be embarrassed after publishing such a tasteless and offensive cover, which I reject and denounce.

A Christian, a Jew and Barack Obama are in a rowboat in the middle of the ocean. Barack Obama says, “This joke isn’t going to work because there’s no Muslim in this boat.”

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Update: Maybe Obama supporters are justified in their fears that some people just won’t get the cover or, more likely, will willfully misread it. Here’s G. Gordon Liddy on Monday on his nationally syndicated radio show:

I don’t suppose you’ve, by any chance, have seen the cover of the latest issue of The New Yorker magazine, which is, you know, a huge thing. It’s got Obama in his Muslim dress with a turban, and he’s there with his wife. His wife has a “mad at the world” afro, circa 1968, she — she’s got bandoliers and an assault weapon, and there in their fireplace is burning the American flag. The New Yorker finally got it right.

But then that’s the joke — the cartoon is an amalgamation of all the things that Liddy and his ilk have already been saying.

A Very Special Day for a Very Special Lady

Today, this 15th day of July, we celebrate a Very Special Day – the birthday of none other than the luvurly, charming, and winsome Katherine (aka mrs. kamper).

Happy Birthday, Sweets!

So come on, loyal HVNH readers, give Katherine some b-day luv.

(And, yes, I got a gift, so don’t go accusing the ole kamper of taking the cheap way out with this here free blog posting!)

Hey, Why Don’t This Look Like the Picher?

Jeff Kay, the intrepid webster over at The West Virginia Surf Report, has set it upon himself to document the often yawning chasm between the images of fast food as presented in glossy ads and the misshapen lukewarm lumps that actually pass over the Formica into our hungry hands. According to Jim, “Each item was purchased, taken home, and photographed immediately. Nothing was tampered with, run over by a car, or anything of the sort. It is an accurate representation in every case. Shiny, neon-orange, liquefied pump-cheese, and all.”

Below, feast your eyes upon Arby’s Beef ‘n’ Cheddar. More here

.

Photos: The West Virginia Surf Report

And whatever you do, do not under any circumstances click here to read Jeff’s report on what happened when he tried out the weight loss pills. (Hint: “It’ll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your underwear.”)

Beyond Satire, Part V

“A silvery tribute to all who were lost on that tragic day…”

(Props: The Hater)

Oh Bruno!

If this doesn’t make you laugh then there’s no hope.

Crowds in Arkansas came for the lure of cage fighting and $1 beer, but police say what they got instead was men ripping each others’ clothes off and kissing — a stunt suspected of being orchestrated by Sacha Baron Cohen of “Borat” fame.

[SNIP]

Fort Smith’s convention center hosted “Blue Collar Brawlin.’” Fort Smith police Sgt. Adam Holland said organizers told him a character named “Straight Dave” would goad a planted audience member into the ring for a fight.

The two men would then wrestle, rip away some of their clothes and share a brief kiss reminiscent of one between Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell in the film “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.”

[SNIP]

An elaborate array of mounted and handheld video cameras caught the crowd of 1,600’s reaction as the two men “went right up to the line” of the city’s morality laws, Holland said. The two men stripped down to their underwear, kissed and rubbed on each other, the sergeant said.

The audience, as well as local fighters drawn to take part in the show, became enraged. “It set the crowd off lobbing beers,” Holland said. “They had beers in plastic cups. Those things can get some distance on them actually.”

Gaming Goodness

From Messhof Games comes a new game that’s sure to be a hit with the entire family: Randy Balma: Municipal Abortionist.

For those of you who don’t know him, game creator Mark Essen is a bit of provocateur — his games, according to one reviewer, combine old timey 2D graphics with the “viewer challenging puzzle-logic of avant-garde cinema.”

And his games can be sadistically difficult. How difficult?

. . . one level requires the player to drive a truck from one end of a straight-line highway to another. Easy, except for the fact that Balma is supposed to be “drugged up on drugs,” thus the screen is constantly rotating and the game’s left-right controllers keep switching valences without warning.

So Randy Balma: Municipal Abortionist is absurdly difficult, the soundtrack is a “skull-pounding” mix of staticy buzzes and oscillator tones, and the graphics can make you nauseous and cause epileptic seizures. It’s no wonder that The Onion gave Randy Balma its highest praise when it declared it “easily worth the migraine.”

The best news is that all of Mark Essen’s games — including not just Randy Balma but such favorites as Punishment: the Punishing and You Found the Grappling Hook — are free for download at the artist’s site. Now get on over there and get yourself some games! Just be sure to save some room on your hard drive. Essen is working on a new game — it’s a stenography simulator, called, yes, Stenography Hero.

Photo: Randy Balma: Municipal Abortionist, Mark Essen, www.messhof.com