Sales Guy vs. Web Dude

You know that condescending, socially awkward dude in your office? The one you need to go to whenever your computer crashes or freezes or won’t boot or keeps giving you error messages no matter how many times you hit Ctrl-Alt-Del? The one who’s always listening to They Might Be Giants or The Mars Volta and whose desk photos are of Boba Fett and whose jokes (if they even are jokes) you never get?

You know, the IT guy (or IT gal, in certain rare cases).

Would you like to know what he finds funny (other than those Gary Larson cartoons all over his cubicle walls)? Check out the video posted below.

You’ve got to take my word on this. As incomprehensible and borderline retarded as this short film may appear to quote unquote normal folks, it is pure comedy gold to IT people (and programmers, a subspecies), for whom it is packed to the rafters with in-jokes, sly nods, shout-outs, physical humor, etc. To these types, this thing is a regular laff riot.

Just check out this sample dialogue:
Sales guy: Hey, are you here in building 3?
Web dude: Yeah, I’m in building 3.
Sales guy: Well, why do I have to call an outside number to get to your desk?
Web dude: Look, I don’t want to get into an IP telephony conversation with you right now.
Sales guy: UP telephony? I pee urine! Ha! He totally fell for that one.
Web dude: That’s a good one.

So, to my IT friends, enjoy. For the rest of you, it actually gets pretty funny at around the 7:00 mark.

Here is the link if the embed won’t work.

The Mideast Peace Process, As Moderated By My Spin Instructor

Internet fame is mine! McSweeney’s published my story! I always knew those upstart McSweeney kids with their wacky ‘Internet Tendencies’ had an eye for the talent. Click here to read it in all of its irreverent glory.

To the tune of
“Life Is a Highway”
by Tom Cochrane.

Happy Saturday, everyone! I’m so glad you’re here!

Remember, you are here for you. Not for me, not for the person across the bargaining table, not for anyone else in the conference room.

This time is for you and you alone!

We’ll begin with some simple negotiations to warm up our bargaining muscles.

Life is a highway, and every highway has a road map. So let’s all take out our road maps.

The Black Angels are on Tour

Austin’s Black Angels are currently on tour, and, on Sunday, mr. and mrs. kamper will embark in our motorcar to the distant city of Boston, Commonwealth of Massachusetts to enjoy a live revue from this pop combo. We are frightfully excited to finally experience for ourselves this new thing the kids today are calling the ‘rock and roll.’ It’s been a long while indeed since the two of us ‘cut the rug’ at one of these vaudevillian cabarets, I do so hope we won’t stick out amongst the ruffians and scallawags known to frequent such speakeasies. I presume that a frock coat with silk-faced lapels, waistcoat, Cashmere striped trousers, ascot, and spats, of course accessorised with a top hat, boutonniere, and white gloves, would be appropriate for such an engagement?

Some months ago, we expressed our profound admiration for the Black Angels by bestowing upon them our highest honor: their very own edition of the Happy Valley Hoedown.

Please Make It Stop

President Bush met today with President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo of the Philippines.

What did he have to say? Well, here is his opening statement, straight from the White House’s own transcript.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Madam President, it is a pleasure to welcome you back to the Oval Office. We have just had a very constructive dialogue. First, I want to tell you how proud I am to be the President of a nation that — in which there’s a lot of Philippine-Americans. They love America and they love their heritage. And I reminded the President that I am reminded of the great talent of the — of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House. (Laughter.)

PRESIDENT ARROYO: Yes.

PRESIDENT BUSH: And the chef is a great person and a really good cook, by the way, Madam President.

PRESIDENT ARROYO: Thank you.

Pure class, this guy. A man of the people. And such a smoov operator! But we all knew he had a special touch with the ladies.

The Death of the Semicolon; Au Revoir, Little Curved Friend

Ah, the lowly, misunderstood semicolon. The “Son of Sam” killer David Berkowitz loved them; Edgar Allen Poe and Kurt Vonnegut hated them (Vonnegut: “All [semicolons] do is show that you’ve been to college.”). And now Slate tells us they are dying out, a victim of the, um, the telegraph machine — okay, so it’s actually a pretty slow death, but it’s still a loss to the language.

True, some won’t miss them:

Semicolons do have some genuine shortcomings; Slate’s founding editor, Michael Kinsley, once noted to the Financial Times that “[t]he most common abuse of the semicolon, at least in journalism, is to imply a relationship between two statements without having to make clear what that relationship is.” All journalists can cop to this: The semicolon allows woozy clauses to lean on each other like drunks for support.

It’s a shame, really; as I, for one, believe that the semicolon; when used properly; and sparingly; can be one of the subtlest; and most effective; tools in the writer’s toolbox.

Hipster Dad Disappointed in Toddler’s Musical Tastes

Brian Winchell, a 32-year-old graphic designer and father of a three-year-old son, is in most ways a doting, loving parent. He proudly displays pictures of his son on his desk, as his computer’s wallpaper, and in his wallet. He works a flexible schedule so that he can spend as much time as possible at home. But talk to Brian long enough and he will eventually admit to one major disappointment: his son has horrible musical taste.

“I wasn’t raised with cool music,” Brian said recently. “My dad listened to baseball and AM talk radio, so I had to discover all of that on my own. I mean, I didn’t hear the Velvet Underground until I was nearly 20 years old! And when I looked back on all those wasted years, I vowed that when I became a father, I would do better. I would give Ira something that I never had. And, to be brutally honest, it hurts to see all of that just being thrown away.”

While Ira (who is named after Ira Kaplan of Yo La Tengo) was still in utero, Brian began work on a set of mix tapes designed to guide his son’s musical development through the age of 12. Organized by year and developmental stage, the tapes began with the classic kid’s music of Woody Guthrie and Burl Ives, then moved through the Beatles, the Velvets, the Stooges, David Bowie, Roxy Music, the Clash, Television, Talking Heads, the Pixies, Nirvana, Wilco, and dozens of bands in between before finally culminating on tape 12 with Radiohead’s Kid A in its entirety.

Ira, however, steadfastly refuses to listen to a single one of the tapes, characterizing them as “poopy,” “stupid,” and “don’t wanna.” At the moment, his two favorite songs are the theme song to “Bob the Builder” and the sound the front doorbell makes if you keep pushing it. More disturbingly, Ira has also taken to singing “Baby Beluga” despite Brian’s vow that his son would never in his life be subjected to a Raffi song. “He heard that one in the waiting room at the doctor’s office,” Brian said, “so we’ve since changed pediatricians.”

Brian has not given up on the tapes just yet. He tried going the subliminal route by playing them while Ira was sleeping, but that ended when his wife, Lisa, turned on the baby monitor. He also plays them during car rides, but Ira has a tendency to fall asleep if he’s in his carseat for longer than five minutes. “I’ll figure something out,” Brian has vowed. “This is too important a thing to give up on so easily.”

White House Cuts Bush’s Hours to Part Time

In yet another sign of the waning status of President Bush’s lame duck administration, the White House today announced that it would cut the president’s hours to part time for the duration of his term, which ends in January 2009. His job title will change as well, from President to Assistant Presidential Administrator. Under the new organizational structure, Bush’s job will be recategorized from a full time, salaried position to a part time, hourly post. Given Bush’s new status as a part-time employee, the federal government will no longer pay his health insurance premiums, though under the federal government’s version of the COBRA program, the First Family may remain in their current health plan for 18 months provided they pay their own premiums.

In announcing the move, the White House was careful to emphasize that the cutback was part of a broader restructuring of executive branch operations and in no way reflected on the president’s current or past performance. An official statement on the White House website read, in part, “We would like to personally thank President Bush for his tireless service to this organization these last seven plus years. We know that he has played a big part in our ongoing success, and we’re equally sure that he fully supports our current effort to increase productivity while reducing waste and redundancies.”

The cutback will be effected through increased automation and the delegation of some duties to other administration officials. For instance, the Presidential Daily Briefing will be conducted through an email newsletter, while the President’s weekly radio address will change its format to Power Jam: Hot Hits from Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! President Bush will still be responsible for meeting with visiting foreign dignitaries, though his travel expenses will no longer be reimbursed.

In related news, First Lady Laura Bush has announced that, in an effort to make ends meet, she has taken a job as a debeaker at a Delaware-based poultry processing plant. Beginning workers at the plant are paid the federal minimum wage of $5.85 per hour, and are eligible for benefits after 6 months of full time employment.

Father’s Day 2008: A Suggested Itinerary

10:00 AM: Father is gently awakened after a long and undisturbed slumber. Said awakening to consist of quiet words and gentle shaking and shall NOT include any of the following: yelling from the other room, threats, pushing or shoving, forced removal of blankets, flicking on and off of overhead light, dousing with cold water, or any other ‘non-gentle’ wake-up techniques.

10:10 AM – 11:00 AM: Vigorous bout of marital lovemaking. Positions to include ‘Father’s-Choice.’

11:10 AM: Father is presented with specially prepared breakfast and an unmolested copy of the Sunday New York Times (which someone other than Father has purchased from the gas station). Breakfast to consist of French toast, scrambled eggs, sausage patties, sausage links, bacon, wheat toast, freshly squeezed orange juice, and coffee with real cream.

11:10 AM – 12:30 PM: Quiet Time as Father enjoys his breakfast and peruses the newspaper at his leisure. The only person permitted to speak during Quiet Time is Father, who may discourse at length about the latest perfidities of the current administration and/or whatever Frank Rich had to say this week. Father may also observe that the last Hulk movie sure did stink but this here new one looks pretty good. Father is not to be contradicted on his belief that the new Hulk movie may in fact be good.

12:30 PM: Father is presented with annual Certificates of Appreciation in the form of home-made cards and gifts.

1:00 PM – 3:00 PM: Family hike on a trail of Father’s choosing. During said hike there shall be no crabbing, whining, kvetching, griping, fussing, or bellyaching, and siblings shall refrain from teasing, hitting, or tormenting each other. Further, snacks are to be eaten without complaint as to their quality and/or desirability. Water is to be conserved and not poured indiscriminately over head.

4:00 PM: Though it is His day, Father shall graciously barbecue a veritable feast for his family, consisting of (but not limited to) steak, burgers, chicken, sausage, and grilled potatoes.

7:00 PM: Family movie night. Program to consist of a fondly remembered movie from Father’s childhood that will not come anywhere close to living up to his memory of said movie (e.g., Journey to the Center of the Earth, War of the Gargantuas, Reptilicus, Attack of the Mushroom People).

9:30 PM: Children to bed, quietly and without complaint.

10:30 PM: Second bout of marital lovemaking, less vigorous than the first.

12:00 AM: Official end of Father’s Day 2008. Solemn vow to make every day Father’s Day.

White House Responds to Bush’s Recent ‘Warmonger’ Comments: “Not the Bush We Knew”

White House representatives today responded vigorously to recent comments made by President Bush to a UK paper that he had “regrets” about being perceived as a warmonger. On Tuesday, President Bush, currently on a tour through Europe, spoke to the London Times.

President Bush has admitted to The Times that his gun-slinging rhetoric made the world believe that he was a “guy really anxious for war” in Iraq. He said that his aim now was to leave his successor a legacy of international diplomacy for tackling Iran. In an exclusive interview, he expressed regret at the bitter divisions over the war and said that he was troubled about how his country had been misunderstood. “I think that in retrospect I could have used a different tone, a different rhetoric.” Phrases such as “bring them on” or “dead or alive”, he said, “indicated to people that I was, you know, not a man of peace”.

At the Daily Press Briefing today, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino responded to a question about the comments by saying, “We’re all a little puzzled. This does not sound like the President Bush we knew. It’s puzzling and there’s a lot of puzzlement around here today. We’re stumped, frankly. We’re left scratching our heads.”

Dan Bartlett, former White House Communications Director, said, “It was a perplexing comment, and we’re all a bit puzzled. Puzzled and stumped. Stumped and flummoxed. Flummoxed and shocked. Shocked and saddened. Saddened and heartbroken. Heartbroken and bewildered.”

When asked if he was angry at the president for the comments, Mr. Bartlett said, “Not angry. Disappointed.”

“I’m left scratching my head,” he added, “though that may be due to eczema.”

Former Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove characterized the president as a disgruntled former employee. “He was out of the loop, frankly. He wasn’t in the meetings, and he simply didn’t have the access to be making these types of wild accusations.” Rove added, “I’m puzzled. This is coming from out of left field, and I’m just a little perplexed. And bewildered. Did I say puzzled? I did? How about baffled?”

When asked for comment, former White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer simply kept repeating the words puzzled, perplexed, stumped, hurt, heartbroken and saddened in a rote, robotic voice, accompanied by a pronounced facial tic and the faint, acrid odor of singed electronic circuitry.

Update: Look, I’m not one to over-explain a joke, but this post may be a lot funnier (or at least make more sense) if you’ve seen this short film.

The New Republican Party

From the same land of make-believe that brought us talking dinosaurs comes word of a “new” Republican party that wouldn’t be an errand boy for Big Business.

Over at the American Scene, Peter Suderman is floating a trial balloon.

For a long time now, the Republican party has been the party of business, but I’m not sure that’s bound to last forever. In fact, I wonder if the right won’t revive itself to some significant extent on a tide of anti-corporate sentiment. Sounds nuts, right?

Actually, yes. He goes on to make some salient points about the GOP’s “fragile coalition” before going completely off the rails with this nugget:

Well, one possibility is that the right uses social issues and national defense not as wedge issues but as ways of gaining the trust of the middle class, and then learns how to govern on the domestic front in a way that’s roughly acceptable to the middle and lower-middle class.

Okaaaay.

But think about it. A Republican party that governs on principle and is not in liege to Big Business interests?

What a novel concept.

It’s almost like . . . like . . .

Battlestar without Gallactica
Salt without Pepa
Sturm without drang
Meat without potatoes
Spinal without Tap
Tango without Cash
Click without Clack
Chocolate without peanut butter
Ben without Jerry
Flotsam without jetsam
Mick wiffout Keef
The Internet without socially-maladjusted loners and/or Star Wars fans
The Doors without Jim Morrison (wait, that already exists [Ian's not bad, IMO])
Laverne without Shirley (not to mention Lenny without Squiggy)

Why, it would be like the Bush Administration without the rampant incompetence and institutional malfeasance.

In short, unthinkable!

(Props: Sully.)