Happy Valley News Hour

Rolling Stone just hasn’t been the same since Hunter S. Thompson died. Or maybe it’s been since Nixon resigned. In either case, the Kamper was shocked — shocked! — by the staggering lameness of the magazine’s recent Mother’s Day tie-in, Moms That Rock, which purports to honor the “fearless, empowered women of rock and roll who are raising kids despite the demands of their industry — making them truly Moms That Rock.” First of all, shouldn’t that be Moms Who Rock? We honor neither motherhood nor rock and roll by teaching poor grammar skills. And second of all, some of these moms do not rock. They do not rock one little bit.

Let’s take a closer look at the 20 moms who make up the Rolling Stone list:

#20. Victoria Beckham (aka Posh Spice)
Verdict: Does not rock, has never rocked, will never rock. (Apparently, she once rocked David Beckham’s world, but that does not count for present purposes.) According to biologists who have studied this creature, Posh is now so hideously emaciated that she is physically incapable of rocking (or menstruating).

#19. Carole King.
Verdict: Absolutely rocks. Forget for the moment Tapestry or the dozens of classic songs she wrote during the Brill Building era, Carole King deserves a place on the list just for writing “The Loco-Motion,” a song that rocks equally hard whether it’s being performed by Little Eva or Homer Simpson’s favorite band.

#18. Rosanne Cash
Verdict: Rocks, for rocking is in her blood.

#17. Tori Amos
Verdict: Rocks, but should sit still once in a while.

#16. Melissa Etheridge
Verdict: Rocks your mom and your aunt and that one older lady at work.

#15. Carly Simon
Verdict: Soft Rocks.

#14. Salt-N-Pepa
Verdict: Judgment call. This one remains smooth, but this one has not aged well. Much of their stuff is thin and gimmicky, but then one of these goes a long way in the rock and roll sweepstakes, if only due to its status as the go-to request of white guys trying to get laid at weddings (which, after all, is one of the ways new mothers are made). Final call: They rock.

#13. Cher
Verdict: Rocked with Sonny and for a short while thereafter. No longer rocks, though she gets style points for having dated both Duane Allman and Gene Simmons.

#12. Sinead O’Connor
Verdict: First time I heard this song it gave me goosebumps. Still does. She rocks.

#11. Natalie Maines (of Dixie Chicks)
Verdict: Nah. Just being maligned by Republicans is not enough (though it certainly helps). In her defense, I don’t think she’s actually trying to rock.

#10. Gwen Stefani
Verdict: Seems to rock others; does not rock the Kamper.

#9. Patti Smith
Verdict: Are you kidding? Does this rock? Does this? Oh, she rocks alright. She rocks so hard she even rocks when she’s being parodied. (By the way, this skit — one of the funniest I’ve ever seen — is the one I wanted to post, but couldn’t find a vid for it anywhere.)

#8. Yoko Ono
Verdict: Does not rock and furthermore breaks up bands that do.

#7. Jennifer Lopez
Verdict: Does not rock, though her rear end certainly does.

#6. Bjork
Verdict: Rocks, if only for showing up in this.

#5. Christina Aguilera
Verdict: Come on, Rolling Stone, you’re not even trying anymore. And if you’re going to include Christina, you’ve got to include the other one, the one who keeps running around without any undypants. And no one wants that.

#4. Celine Dion
Verdict: Now I’m getting pissed. I shouldn’t need to tell you this, Rolling Stone, but not only does Celine Dion not rock in any manner whatsoever, she sucks out all rock within a two mile radius of her black little soul, leaving a rockless black hole in her wake.

#3. Ani DiFranco
Verdict: Folkrocks the hipsters, and lord knows they need folkrocking.

#2. Sheryl Crow
Verdict: Arenarocks the middle of the road, does not rock either berm.

#1. Madonna
Verdict: I’m not sure what to call what it is she does, but it aint rocking. Perhaps frocking? Cocking? But not rocking.

So who best to replace the less-than-rocking selections on the Rolling Stone list?

I would like to begin by politely reminding Rolling Stone that Tina Turner is a mother, and I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to suggest that this little ditty rocks.

Then there’s Aretha, who had two babies by the time she was fifteen and still managed to sound like this at the ripe old age of 25.

Or how about another Tina, this one the purveyor of the mightiest bass in all of hipsterville? Not only is Tina Weymouth a momma several times over, she toured with both Talking Heads and Tom Tom Club while hugely pregnant, her bass slung right over that big sexy belly.

Then there is everyone’s favorite ass-kicking vegetarian, Chrissie Hynde. I seem to recall she had a baby with Ray Davies before breaking his heart.

Finally, not to be impudent, but how could Rolling Stone leave Mrs. Kurt Cobain off the list? What kind of world do we live in when (allegedly) shooting heroin when you’re pregnant is no longer considered part of the rock and roll lifestyle? Say what you will about Courtney’s recent plastic surgery, her writing style, or her interview skills, she may well be the ultimate rock and roll mother.

Hey, at least she wears undypants.

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UPDATE: The responses are already pouring in with moms I left out:
Grace Slick
Exene Cervenka of X (can’t believe I forgot her, she’s got a kid with Aragorn)
Nancy and Ann Wilson of Heart
Alanis Morissette
Liz Phair
Stevie Nicks
Annie Lenox
Cindy Wilson and Kate Pierson, the lovely, lovely ladies of the The B-52s
(Props to SweetMojo)