Happy Valley News Hour

The following comment thread appears on the Onion AV Club in response to “I Watched This On Purpose: Death Sentence,” a review of the unfortunate Kevin Bacon revenge thriller released last year.
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by roadrunnerroadrunner

i’m sure kevin bacon is trying to get six degrees away from this movie.

what a turd.

2:52 PM Wed May 7, 2008

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by Baio Wulf

Kevin Bacon wishes he could shake his Foot Loose from this movie.

3:03 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by tetsugen

Yes, this movie certainly seems like a Flat Liner

3:08 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by The Decayed Corps of Lloyd Bridges

About now I am sure he wishes he was an Invisble Man

3:14 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by Bob1

The thought of this movie must give him Tremors.

3:18 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by kellyona

i’m sure when you thinks about his decision to make this film, he feels intense Tremors of self doubt in his soul.

3:18 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by phel

Betcha he wishes he drop this movie at the bottom of the Mystic River.

3:26 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by The Decayed Corps of Lloyd Bridges

It woudl take A Few Good Men to hold me down before I watch this steaming pile of garbage

3:31 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by MelissaW

When this came out, all you could hear in the theaters was crickets chirping and the Stir of Echoes.

3:40 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by Am I doing it right

Whoever created this movie should get the Death Sentence

3:45 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by AJR

I don’t know…I’ve heard some pretty Wild Things about this movie.

3:55 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by MBI

I thought the attempts at emotional manipulation all rang hollow, man.

3:57 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by J_Spoon

I wonder if this is the in-flight movie out of JFK?

4:00 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by J_Spoon

I wonder if this is the in-flight movie out of JFK?

4:00 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by Jorge Von Salsa

Dammit, Lloyd Bridges, you meant “I am sure he feels like a Hollow Man.”

4:04 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by Hollis McGander

I enjoyed Showgirls.

4:04 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by simon sez

They should have taken the raw footage and thrown it in the river wild.

4:04 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by BORED TO BEERS

I’d watch the Animal & House before I’d watch this crapola.

4:05 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by Luther Mahoney

When he saw the final cut of this movie, Kevin Bacon felt hollow inside for agreeing to star in it. A Hollow Man, if you will.

4:06 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by my…name?

This movie took my member in its mouth with more frequency and vigor than my beloved dog, whose name is Skip. Don’t judge.

4:08 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by The Decayed Corps of Lloyd Bridges

Sorry my Hollow Man reference wasn’t Picture Perfect, but I was busy Digging to China

4:11 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by Gentle Herpes

I bet it made him feel like wearing a Full Metal Jacket.

4:11 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by The HIP TO THE JOKE Shredder

Yeah, this movie sucks.

Foot Loose.

4:16 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by PMMJ

I wish I was a Woodsman so I could chop this one up with an axe?

4:18 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by Donkey Simulator

something something something FernGully?

4:29 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by phel

He Said, She Said, pretty much everyone said: this movie sucks balls.

4:30 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by littlealex

Don’t listen to them, Kevin. . . it’s all a bunch of “He Said She Said” crap.

4:34 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by i was going to watch this with my wife, but…

she’s having a baby.

4:36 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by Phony Pope

He should really think about The Big Picture before he agrees to appear in another movie like this.

5:02 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by Stroszekian

This thread is turning into a Stir of Echoes.

5:03 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by kittenswithmittens

Oh sure, you all sit around in some Diner somewhere and make fun of Kevin Bacon…but he tried!

5:04 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by The Rev. P.F. McSmearbritches.

I’ll bet that it took a week in the theatre for even a dozen people to see this. By the time it was out for a second Friday, the 13th finally went.

(that one hurt. think i hyperextended something)

5:13 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by untitled draft

[applause for the entire thread]

You guys wore me out. I’m going to sleepers.

5:28 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by The Nothing doesn’t Discrminate

nothing like a quick kick in the bal to wake you back up.

5:46 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by Smilin’ Joe Fission

I’ve been having a reoccurring dream where I take Bacon to the Rails and Ties him down right before a train comes.

6:09 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by Barko

I bet he sure wishes he could “The Closer” (2 episodes, 2006-2007) the book on this

6:35 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by the BD

perhaps he was just thinking of the Quick Silver he’d make. you know, cause he wanted to buy another plane, train, or automobile…

6:41 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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by Hugh Grant

I do not have the Will & Grace to see this movie ever!

7:20 PM Wed May 7, 2008
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