Happy Valley News Hour

The ‘bucket list’ craze continues to sweep the country. Inspired by a mediocre Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman movie from last year, Americans are rushing to compile their own bucket lists — a compendium of things one wants to do before one kicks the bucket.

One local man, Jerry Bizmunth, a 33-year-old UPS driver, got into the act this week, taking the opportunity to take stock of his existence, to plumb his deepest regrets, explore his most debilitating fears, and give voice to his loftiest dreams, creating in the process a deeply spiritual document that is as much a testimony to his life’s journey thus far as it is a list of hopes for the future. Scribbled on the back of a Subway napkin during the last ten minutes of his lunch hour, Mr. Bizmunth’s bucket list consists of eight sexual acts he would like engage in before he dies (and preferably within the next six months or so).

Jerry Bizmunth’s Bucket List

• Backdoor

• Oriental girl

• Black girl

• White girl other than _____, _____, or _____. (Ed. note: names redacted for privacy)

• Two girls (while sober this time)

• Think it’s called the Flying Buttress?

• Mile High Club (with a partner this time)

• More backdoor

Well, this is just schadenfreude at this point, but Talking Points Memo has put together a compendium of Scott McClellan’s greatest hits from his tenure as press secretary for the Bush White House. Better late than never, Scotty!
(If the embed won’t work, here’s the link.)

The big news this week was the revelations contained in Scott McClellan’s new, clunkily-entitled, tell-all memoir, What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception. So what does Scotty say in the book that has Washington all a-twitter?

Most Shocking Revelations in Scott McClellan’s What Happened

• Some of the brush clearing in Crawford might not have been strictly necessary;

• Biggest tease in the White House press corps? Helen Thomas;

• Bush’s ‘working vacations’ were actually just vacations;

• Condi used a player piano for Mozart’s Piano Concerto in D minor for 2005 recital;

• Dick Cheney: Part Man, Part Machine, 100% Bad-Ass;

• Best kisser in White House press corps: Jeff Gannon;

• National Treasure 2 actually pretty darn accurate;

• McClellan now the spokesman for AFSSA (Acute Flop Sweat Syndrome Association);

• ‘Freedom Fries’ no different than plain old French fries;

• Turkey “pardoned” by President Bush each Thanksgiving is actually taken around back and shot;

• McClellan’s Secret Service code name: Spanky; and, finally,

• During his 34 months as Bush’s press secretary, McClellan may have unwittingly and with no complicity or forethought whatsoever passed on to the American people a piece of information that was less than completely forthcoming.

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Update: Hey Loyal Readers! Turns out the kamper is not the first satirist to till this fertile comedic soil. Below are a few other takes on this same theme.

Hard Boiled Dreams of the World
Exurban League
23/6
The Onion

After an unbroken string of successes that have made the gritty and violent Grand Theft Auto series one of the world’s most successful video game franchises, publisher Rockstar Games (a unit of Take-Two Interactive) stumbled badly this month when it released what may well turn out to be the gaming industry’s least successful expansion pack ever: GTA: Courteous Driving School. After nearly three weeks on the shelves, the game has sold just 184 copies nationwide, and most of those sales were to driving schools, which have adopted the game as a training tool.

GTA: Courteous Driving School takes place at the Happy Drivers School in Liberty City. Players assume the role of Phil “No Points” Bell, a newly hired driving instructor who must rise through the ranks of the academy by consistently arriving to work on time, maintaining a neat work station, always displaying a professional attitude toward both customers and colleagues, and successfully completing a series of increasingly challenging missions assigned by higher-ups. Along the way, players must master myriad skills such as parallel parking, appropriate lane changes, signaling safety, and defensive driving techniques.

Many of the 18 missions in GTA: Courteous Driving School focus on honing specific skill sets. Examples include Mission 3, “The Silent Killer,” which stresses the importance of proper tire pressure, Mission 7, “One Quart Down,” which teaches routine engine maintenance, and Mission 12, “Don’t Be a ‘Led’ Foot,” which focuses on driving for maximum fuel efficiency. Like other recent Grand Theft Auto games, GTA: Courteous Driving School offers numerous “morality choices,” points at which the player must choose between several problematic options. In one situation, for instance, the player must decide whether or not to slightly exceed the posted speed limit in order to inform another driver that his license tags have expired.

Responding to the poor sales for this expansion, Rockstar Games has already announced an add-on, “Driving School Vendetta,” that promises to return the expansion to GTA’s more traditional fare. In this new story, Phil Bell returns to the Happy Drivers School, executes in cold blood the director who had previously issued him a demerit, burns down the school, and sells its fleet of training vehicles to a local chop shop.

Below is a sample of actual game play from GTA: Courteous Driving School.

(Props: Thanks to Mat Jacobson for the graphic.)

This week, John McCain was forced to reject the endorsement of Reverend John Hagee when some of the evangelical pastor’s highly controversial statements were highlighted in media reports. John Hagee is the founder and senior pastor of the Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas and the president of John Hagee Ministries.

But are Reverend Hagee’s statements really as offensive as they appear at first glance? Happy Valley News Hour took a closer look at some of these ostensibly offensive statements and found that most had been taken out of context — another case of the mainstream media twisting someone’s words to present him in the worst possible light. Below we examine more closely six of John Hagee’s most controversial statements.

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‘Offensive’ Statement 1.

“As millions of people anticipate the release of the latest Harry Potter book and film, we’re reminded once again of Satan’s ongoing attempt to deceive and destroy. The whole purpose of the Potter books is to desensitize readers and introduce them to the occult.” Source 1. Source 2.

Analysis: This statement is not offensive so much as it is a bit nutty and extreme. But is the quote above everything that Reverend Hagee had to say on the subject? No, it’s not. Take a look below at the quote in full.

“The whole purpose of the Potter books is to desensitize readers and introduce them to the occult. That said, the night the seventh book came out, there I was at the bookstore at the stroke of midnight, all decked out in my Dumbledore costume. Then I stayed up all night reading it. What a finish! I just can’t get enough of those rascals Fred and George Weasley, and don’t get me started on that lovable lunk, Hagrid. But ooh, that Lucius Malfoy! How I hate him! I’d like to hit him with a Cruciatus Curse of my very own! If this is the gateway to the occult, sign me up for a one-way ticket!”

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‘Offensive’ Statement 2.

Reverend Hagee has received criticism for his views on the Catholic church. He has called the church the ‘Great Whore,’ an ‘apostate church,’ the ‘anti-Christ,’ and a ‘false cult system.’ He has also been quoted as saying, “Most readers will be shocked by the clear record of history linking Adolf Hitler and the Roman Catholic Church in a conspiracy to exterminate the Jews.” Source 1. Source 2.

Analysis: While accurate, these quotes make no mention of the many favorable comments Reverend Hagee has made about the Catholic Church, such as below.

“Yes, yes, the Catholic Church is the Great Whore, the Most Holy Harlot, the Papist High Priced Call Girl. That said, I have to admit, that Pope Benedict has got one heck of a fashion sense. And the Vatican? Suh-weeet! I wouldn’t mind having me one of those!”

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‘Offensive’ Statement 3.

“Do you know the difference between a woman with PMS and a snarling Doberman pinscher? The answer is lipstick. Do you know the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can negotiate with a terrorist.” Source.

Analysis: Again, these statements are accurate as far as they go, but any reckoning of their intent should include the entire quotation.

“Do you know the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can negotiate with a terrorist. Do you know the difference between me and a sparrow? None! Fly, fly, fly, little bird. I am a beautiful little birdie and I can flyyyyyyy!” (Flaps wings.)

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‘Offensive’ Statement 4.

“Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans” because it “had a level of sin that was offensive to God,” as evidenced by plans for “a homosexual parade there on the Monday that Katrina came.” Source.

Analysis: Accurate, but incomplete. See the rest of the quote below.

“Now keep in mind that I also believe that Branson, Missouri should be destroyed for all that horrible dinner theater and that Gatlinburg, Tennessee should suffer the wrath of a vengeful God to atone for the existence of Dollywood. And while I’m on the topic, I’d like to see Miami Beach taken out as well — old people really give me the creeps.”

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‘Offensive’ Statement 5.

“An anti-Semite is someone who is driven by hate. A Christian is someone who’s driven by love. Therefore, there’s no such thing as a Christian anti-Semite.” Source.

Analysis: Context, people, context. See complete quote below.

“There is no such thing as a Christian anti-Semite. There is also no such thing as a chicken dog. Or a shark lion. There is no such thing as a blimbunny blarnybuster. Or a kooka kooka chocka-hooka. There is simply NO SUCH THING!”

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‘Offensive’ Statement 6.

A July 27, 2006, Wall Street Journal article about Hagee noted the following incident: To help students seeking odd jobs, Hagee’s church newsletter, The Cluster, advertised a “slave” sale. “Slavery in America is returning to Cornerstone,” it said. “Make plans to come and go home with a slave.” Mr. Hagee apologized but, in a radio interview, protested about pressure to be “politically correct” and joked that perhaps his pet dog should be called a “canine American.” Source

Analysis: As Reverend Hagee noted in his apology, this is yet another case of political correctness run amok. The Cornerstone church is well known for its innovative and off-beat fund raisers, including the following perennial favorites:

The Fall Organ Harvest Hoedown: An annual dance where guests can pay roving teams of “doctors” to “knock out” other guests, who awaken in a “recovery room” to find that their internal organs have been illegally harvested for sale on the black market. It’s all in fun, of course. No real organs are harvested (unless you don’t tip the doctors, that is!).

Small Pox Blanket Knitting Circle: The Christian Womens Club’s annual fundraiser is a good old fashioned knitting circle — with a twist. The group knits six blankets for auction, but one of the blankets is secretly “infected” with the “small pox virus.” The lucky winner of the small pox blanket will “develop” fever, chills, headache, nausea, vomiting and severe muscle aches about seven days after exposure, eventually developing pus-filled papules over most of their body. It’s fun for the entire family!

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Nerve has compiled a list of the 50 Greatest Comedy Sketches of All Time. And, unlike Rolling Stone’s recent and sadly deficient attempt to identify 20 Moms That Rock, this list is pretty darn good.

Here is number 43 on the list, “The Pre-Taped Call-in Show,” from Mr. Show.

The Smart Set is getting all medieval on your ass. Here Tony Perrottet details the Catholic Church’s position on sexual congress during the Middle Ages. Turns out they were less than enthusiastic on the entire enterprise, even sex during marriage, which was “filthy,” according to one Saint Jerome, unless conducted with “cool discretion” rather than “hot desire.”

Intercourse for procreation was tolerable, the holy fathers begrudgingly admitted, but anyone who indulged in sex because they were in love or seeking physical pleasure was on a fast track to damnation. In fact, this attitude eventually led the Church to legislate on the most intimate details of married life: In 1215, the cleric Johannes Teutonicus was the first to announce that there was only one “natural” coital position — what we today call “the missionary position,” a term that was coined in the 1960s — which was also optimal for conception. Attempting any other position was a mortal sin, Johannes opined, involving exotic and unnecessary forms of stimulation.

According to Perrottet, these views led Church elders to begin compiling summae confessorum, special handbooks that described (in suspiciously elaborate detail) the offending sexual positions and prescribed an appropriate period of penance consisting of bread, water, and abstinence.

Herewith some acts and their recommended punishments:

• Dorsal sex (woman on top): three years
• Lateral, seated, standing: 40 days
• Coitus retro — rear entry: 40 days
• Mutual masturbation: 30 days
• Inter-femural sex — ejaculation between the legs: 40 days
• Coitus in terga — anal sex: three years (with an adult); two years (with a boy); seven years (habitual); 10 years (with a cleric)
• Coitus interruptus (withdrawal method): two to ten years
• Semenem in ore (semen in the mouth): three to fifteen years
• Masturbation: 10 days (for men); 30 days (for monks); one year (for women using “erotic devices”)
• Other proscribed behaviors: sex during menstruation; sex in churches; sex preceded by “kissing and fondling”

No word on the Cleveland Steamer.

Photo: St. Albert the Great (c. 1206-1280): “Spill ye not your seed upon the ground, nor in a Kleenex, nor upon the thighs or buttocks (no matter how creamy they may be), nor certainly upon the toes, nor upon the chest (in the manner known among the heathen as a ‘pearl necklace’), nor in the mouth; But rather deposit your seed only within the female womb and then only while effecting a dignified and courtly manner during the entirety of the debased act — in short, no freaky shit.”

(Props: Sullivan)

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For the eleventh year in a row, Jerry Garcia and Jesus have won the top two spots in Hampshire College’s annual student poll, “What Historical Figure Would You Most Like to Share a Bong With?” For the ninth year in a row, third place went to Bob Marley. The poll includes all current Hampshire College students and is conducted each May as part of graduation weekend.

“What Historical Figure Would You Most Like to Share a Bong With?”
Hampshire College — 2008 Poll Results

1. Jerry Garcia/Jesus (tie)
2. Bob Marley
3. Noam Chomsky
4. Whoever invented Velcro
5. Eliot Spitzer/Ashley Alexadra Dupré (first appearance on list)
6. Hey Koolaid!
7. Bilbo/Frodo/Gandalf/Samwise/Merry/Pippin/Saruman/Sauron
8. Ghandi
9. Fat guy from Lost
10. Hugo Chavez
11. Thomas Jefferson (using his homegrown)
12. Scooby/Shaggy
13. Dude who wrote Gödel, Escher, Bach
14. Snuffleupagus
15. William Blake
16. St. Francis of Assisi
17. Neo/Morpheus/Trinity/Agent Smith
18. Stills, Nash & Young (but not Crosby)

From the Upright Citizens Brigade.

A shocking development today in Washington DC as federal authorities, acting on an anonymous tip, searched the residence of Vice President Dick Cheney at the Naval Observatory in Washington DC, where they discovered the real Senator Joseph Lieberman held captive in a basement crawlspace. According to initial reports, Senator Lieberman (I-CT) was abducted just after 9/11 as part of the “extraordinary rendition” program and replaced with a life-like animatronic robot.

The Lieberman robot, which was developed under a joint program by the Army Research Lab and George Lucas’s Skywalker Ranch, was initially controlled directly by Cheney, except on weekends, when the Vice President often would turn control of the four-term senator from Connecticut over to some of his oil buddies. “We had a blast with him,” Vice President Cheney told Happy Valley News in an exclusive interview. “We’d knock back a few and see what kind of mischief we could get ole Joe into this time. Did you see the one where he said that Connecticut voters who didn’t vote for him were terrorist sympathizers? That was us — lit, of course.”

In later years, control of the Lieberman robot was auctioned off to Republican campaign donors, or provided as a courtesy to visiting members of the Saudi royal family. At other times, the controller was simply left lying around the Cheney household, where it was frequently used by the staff, who enlisted the Lieberman robot to perform rudimentary household chores, pick up dry cleaning, and prepare basic meals.

As for the real Senator Joseph Lieberman, the man who emerged today from the 12 foot by 12 foot cell was dazed and slightly malnourished, but grateful for the rescue and eager to return to work. “I’ve been out of commission for the last eight years,” he said, “But the thing I’d like most right now is to get back to my job of representing the great state of Connecticut as a proud Democrat.”

When asked whether he still supported President Bush’s Iraq policy, the real Senator Lieberman asked, “What are you talking about? Did we do something in Iraq?”

Photo: The real Senator Lieberman, shortly after he was discovered in a small cell in Dick Cheney’s basement.

(Thanks to Kathleen Fisher for the graphic.)